Hello!

This sticky post is here to give you the opportunity to run away if you’re at work and risk getting into trouble if your boss sees you chortling at articles about weird sex toys when you’re supposed to be doing the accounts or something.

It’s not all about sex, promise – if you want specific topics, use the Category Menu to the right ->

If you’re happy to just read through whatever I’ve been wittering, then carry on. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Violet x

A letter to my younger, drunker self (contains swearing, because I was an idiot back then)

Dear Young Me – these are not the role models you think they are. Love, Old Me.

You know how people often write a letter to their younger selves, full of sweet comments and life-affirming encouragement? Yeah, turns out I can’t be that nice.

Hey, you – yes, you over there in the corner of the pub, skinnier than you think (certainly skinnier than you’ll ever be again), trying to figure out how to hold a conversation with this bunch of people you’ve ended up sitting with but don’t actually know.

It’s me, Older You.  Nearly three decades older, actually. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking – still alive, who’da thought? Bit crepey round the edges, but not bad going for an old bird. Anyway enough wittering, we’ve got some shit to catch up on. Put that glass down – you hit your limit two hours ago, not that you’ll ever listen – and cock an ear to what Old Vi has to say…

Whenever you think ‘that’s ridiculous, it would be so much fun!’ just wait up a minute
Because I can tell you now that it almost certainly IS ridiculous and you really shouldn’t do it. It’s okay to stay out all night and visit the local petrol station for ciggies and Coke at 7am dressed in nothing but a nightie and a fur coat (n.b: you will start dressing like a woman called Courtney Love – this is fine, but for fuck’s sake please put some underwear on). But stop kidnapping people’s dogs when you’re leathered, just cos it’s cute and you want something to cuddle. No, it doesn’t matter that you give them back later. NOT YOUR DOG.

Seriously, sort out your shit taste in men
That one next to you right now, that you’d completely deny being interested in but who you’re almost certainly going to wake up next to tomorrow? Utter bellend. He doesn’t drink because he’s artistic and tortured, he drinks because he has no social abilities whatsoever and needs three pints of Strongbow before he can speak to you. By which point he’ll be rude and slightly aggressive, but you’ll be even ruder having downed five Jack Daniels and Cokes whilst waiting for him to make a move, and you’ll both just fall asleep with all your clothes on. Not very sexy but definitely for the best.

Stop worrying about what you’re going to do with your life
I’m talking to you from nearly 30 years into the future and I still have no fucking idea what I’m going to do next week, let alone for the next forty odd years. You’ll end up earning a living as a freelance writer though, which should please you as it’s what you’ve always wanted to do. Let’s not talk about the two and a half decades it takes you to get there and how even when you do manage it you’ll be scraping to make minimum wage. DREAM JOB SO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Stop worrying that you’re, you know – A Bit Weird
I can confirm right here and now that yes, you are weird. Eventually you’ll find out you have Asperger’s Syndrome, which will explain a LOT. For now, just get used to apologising for the weird shit that comes out of your mouth – you can’t help it, and anyway some people deserve to have a few home truths told. Although you’ll also get fired a lot. Sorry ’bout that.

You know those Nick Cave CDs you’ve started collecting?
Yeah, you might want to put up another shelf – there’s a lot more where those came from. You’ll finally meet him about 25 years from now and will make an utter tit of yourself, but hey ho – can’t have everything in life.

Somehow you will end up responsible for two children
Who will spring forth from your very own loins and very nearly break your fanjita in the process, but hey – look at ’em now, aren’t they just so cute you could forgive them anything? Okay so one’s actually already an adult and the other is, well…unique, to say the very least, but they’re all yours. Obviously you’ll need male input, but we try not to talk about that these days – your choice in men takes nearly 30 years to improve, but you really do breed quality kids in the meantime. Must have strong genes. Oh and you give birth to one of them on the living room floor without any drugs. I KNOW.

Stop drinking. Seriously. No, I’m not kidding
It makes you ill, it makes you do stupid things, you’ll eventually end up allergic to most of it anyway (not gin tho – gin will turn out to be one of the best things that ever happened to your world. Lovely lovely gin). 90% of the dickhead things you’ll do over the next few years will be down to alcohol. Including the time your kidneys pack up. Good luck with that one.

Give up worrying about what other people think
I know that sounds pretty much impossible, but you’ll spend SO much time over the next years and decades worrying about what other people think of you, and it really is fucking pointless. Cos people will think you’re a dick anyway. And those who genuinely care will still care even when you are being a dick.

Enjoy the ride
You certainly have Interesting Times ahead of you. They’ll include many bad moves on your part and some ridiculously awful shit that just happens to you for no good reason, but here you are nearly 47 and still standing. I’d take that as a win, if I were you. Take care of yourself. I love you.

0

Toys for the boys: Kiotos Urethral Sound

sdrr-violet-fenn-kiotos-sounding-rod

Kiotos Single End Metal Urethral Sound Dilator

GUEST POST: because I really do have friends who are daft enough to accept when I say ‘Fancy trying something out for me?’ without first asking what’s involved. Fools. Over to our delightful (if somewhat nervous) tester…

***

Vi: “Here, try this out.”

Me: “Ooh, a gift!”

And I like gifts, especially tech gifts.  So I was very pleased to be handed what appeared to be a new ipad stylus – and lets not beat about the bush, this one looked stylish. A stylish stylus.

Vi: “Its not a bloody stylus.”

It isn’t? It’s got a lovely weight to it, slight curve, balance, a rounded tapered end.  But apparently its not quite the technical toy I was expecting.  I put my iPad away.

Vi: <sighs> “It’s a sounding rod.”

Lightbulb moment! Or rather a slowly flickering naked flame moment, that barely illuminates the subject at hand.  For a moment I’m slightly disappointed that this gleaming metallic rod, cast from what I now presume is some kind of medical grade alloy, isn’t what it first appeared. It now casts itself in a slightly more worrying light.

Lets put all thoughts of technology to one side for a moment and consider a subject I know – knew – nothing of (at least, not from personal experience) – sounding. How to explain this eloquently…  Sounding is the practice of pushing thin rods into body parts that normally let stuff pass out, not in.  Ingress vs egress if we are going to get technical.  The body part in question is the penis, – actually to be more precise, my penis.

This toy it seems is aimed at the male market then. Perhaps similar instruments (I think instrument is more appropriate than toy) exist for those of a female persuasion, but I’m unsure and at this point trying not to think about things too hard. Too hard? Is this going to hurt?  Lets be clear on this – I’m a worldly chap and willing to take one for the team in an experimentative sense, always up for a challenge and quite stoic – unwavering even.  I’m doing this for you, not me.

The first thing was to prepare.  How do you prepare for what appears at first to be some kind of self-inflicted surgery? Towels. Towels are always good. Douglas Adams always had one to hand. Lubrication seems a sensible option.  So armed with lube and a towel I get down to the business in hand, literally in my hand.

The rod is cold, has a pleasing weight to it and warms up quickly in my hands.  My penis also has a pleasing weight to it but seems less inclinded to warm up, although perhaps this is for the best.  I run some lube over the rod and gently place it against the entrance of my uretha, or is it exit? I should point out that I’m as limp as a Tory policy on helping migrants find work at this stage.  Slowly I push the tapered steel into my dick. it slides in a good inch with no effort.  It doesn’t hurt.  I’m not sure if I was expecting it to or not, but it’s a pleasant surprise and a not unpleasant sensation.

I keep pushing and probing slowly.  I can feel the metal inside me.  Any slight soreness is aleviated by twisting the rod ever so slightly, adjusting the curve as it passes through.  This feels nice and my cock is responding accordingly.  I play for some time, pulling out, re-lubing, sliding back in gently, getting deeper each time.  What I find out is you can go a long way.  The sensations are odd, oddly erotic, naughty but nice.  There is an undercurrent of the sensation of peeing, hence the towels just in case, but nothing happens.

As I continue to play I’m getting harder. which brings on a new unexpected sensation, that of fullness.  The hardened muscle in my cock is pressing against the thin rod (it seemed more like a scaffold pole in size when I first started this adventure).  It’s that presure that I’m now revelling in – it’s like having a hand squeezing your cock but from the inside. I continue to move the rod up and down my urethra  whilst slowly rubbing the outside of my cock.  I freely admit at this point I’m enjoying the experience, I’ve moved on from exploratory fascination to full acceptance of the situation.  I’m not quite sure what the situation really is, but i can figure that out later.

It appears I’m gently wanking my self off from the outside and inside at the same time.  As I harden the feeling is amazing and I’m determined to cum despite not quite understanding how fluids will be released.  There a definite point of not return.  It’s a real turn-on to feel myself harden around the rod pushing down inside me whilst rubbing myself and feeling all the pleasure that entails.

It’s not long before I feel like I’m going to explode, the rod feels amazing.  It’s a bit odd orgasming whilst holding a piece of steel protruding from the end of my cock and there is no evidence of spurting – things make their way out more slowly, which helps the rod slide out easily too.

I extract my new friend and give it a good clean, vaguely wondering whether what I’ve just done is even legal.  At this point you’d be forgiven for assuming I’m all done and ready to hand the torturous implement back, but no – this tool is getting put away for further testing.

Now I’m just left to wrestle with my conscience and question exactly how pervy am I?  And where can I buy more of these things?
***
The Kiotos Sound is available (in different sizes) from Simply Pleasure and costs £5.95 – CLICK TO VIEW 
I was sent this product free of charge for review purposes but I am not paid for reviews and my opinions / those of my reviewers will always be honest (in fact if I really hate something it’s more likely that I just won’t review it at all and will go back to the manufacturer and ask them WTF they were thinking). I get a very small commission from any purchases made from links on SDRR, which goes towards site costs. I adhere to all advertising rules and always use ‘no follow’ links where appropriate.
0

Run rabbit, run…

Those ears, tho…

***

When is a rabbit not a rabbit? When it’s the Rabbit Ears – a wiggly piece of bunny gorgeousness from The Rabbit Company, that’s when.

Actually, the one thing it isn’t is a ‘rabbit’ vibrator, despite being (vaguely) rabbit-shaped and produced by a company that specialises in the more commonly recognised design. It’s marketed as being both ‘purse sized’ and ‘near silent for discreet play’ – it is neither of these things. It’s dead on six inches long – anyone who wants to carry a vibe with them on a night out would almost certainly pick a bullet vibe, not a much larger, wiggly purple thing. And ‘near silent’ is only true if you’re comparing it to playing Foo Fighters at full volume. In comparison to a lot of other vibrators on the market it is actually pretty bloody loud.

That said, the Rabbit Ears is far more than the sum of my whining. It’s a lovely shape – different to anything I’ve seen in a good while. As an ex art student, aesthetics have a massive influence on how I feel about sex toy design, and this is one of those toys that you find yourself fondling in a faintly disturbing manner, just because it feels nice in your hand. And its cute ears make a satisfying flump noise if you flap them against your nose. Which I did, because I find this sort of thing entertaining. What can I say – we make our own fun in Shropshire.
the-rabbit-company-the-rabbit-ears-hot-pink_3

The shape of the Rabbit Ears means that pretty much all of it is useful, if you know what I mean and I’m pretty sure you do. It’s really solidly made and holds a decent amount of charge, and it is powerful. Vibrations travel all the way up the ears, rather than being confined to the motor area.  If this actually was quiet, it would be up there with my favourite toys ever. As it is, I daren’t switch it on with anyone else in the house. In fact I did turn it on just now whilst sitting at my desk just to remind myself of the sound levels and my youngest son immediately yelled up the stairs, wanting to know what the noise was.

If I’d gone looking for a ‘near-silent’ vibe and bought the Rabbit Ears because of its claims, I’d be really irritated. But it is very good looking, works really well and is a decent price for such a solid piece of kit – sell it on its true merits and there’ll be some happy customers around, guaranteed.

The Rabbit Ears is £44.95 from Simply Pleasure 

Violet x

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW SEX, DEATH, ROCK’N’ROLL ON FACEBOOK

TWEET ME!

I am sent items free of charge for review purposes but I am not paid for reviews and my opinions / those of my reviewers will always be honest (in fact if I really hate something it’s more likely that I just won’t review it at all and will go back to the manufacturer and ask them WTF they were thinking). I get a – very – small commission from any purchases made from links on SDRR, which goes towards site costs. I adhere to all advertising rules and always use ‘no follow’ links where appropriate.

 

0

Wanger Management Strikes Again

Violet Fenn Bathmate review close

Once again I have managed to persuade a gullible male lovely chum into testing out a new and unusual product. Someone give that boy a medal. Although I am pretty certain that there are far worse things one could ask of one’s friends than to spend an afternoon trying out sex toys…

Onwards!

GUEST REVIEW

BOOM. Wanger Management is back. So it’s with little surprise that I find myself putting my genitals into a revolutionary new device. By which I don’t mean a 4K curved television or the latest iPhone. Stop that. I’m not.

Let’s make no bones about this; the Hydromax Bathmate penis pump looks like a pneumatic Lucozade bottle into which one’s flaccid fella is introduced. It comes with a multi-lingual manual in a smart box that wouldn’t look out of place being sold in a sports shop. The manual itself is brief but the pictures do little to show you how to use the pump – if anything, they confuse rather than educate unless you actually have the pump in your hands.

The Bathmate itself is a sturdy, well built device and transparent, as you would expect so that you can see what’s going on inside. One thing needs to be made clear here; due to the nature of the pump, this is for use in the bath or shower only. Instead of creating an air vacuum like traditional penis pumps, it uses water which is meant to provide a more comfortable and even vacuum around your fella, so trying this outside the bathroom will mean that you will get water everywhere in the bedroom or wherever!

The pumping mechanism is in the base of the pump and the water valve is controlled by a tiny black switch at the end. There is a positive ‘click’ as you select to close or release the valve, but it’s difficult to tell which is which. Once you fill the pump with water up to the top, you then have to pop your fella in, which is actually easier to do in a bath than a shower since you have to tilt the pump in order to engage it while keeping as much water contained as possible (there are detailed instructions for use in both scenarios in the manual). Pulling the pump down onto the shaft then squirts excess water out of the top in order to create the vacuum. Bingo. You and the Bathmate are one.

Does it work? The short answer is yes. There is a powerful vacuum pressure inside and there is a noticeable comfort difference between the Bathmate and a conventional air pump. For one amusing moment I looked down at my water-tortured organ and realised that the poor thing looked disturbingly like Leo DiCaprio during his final moments in ‘Titanic’ as he disappeared slowly into the ocean. You can even buy an optional cord which attaches to the end of the Bathmate and goes around your neck so that the weight of the pump isn’t entirely taken by your crotch. Unfortunately this isn’t mentioned underneath the diagram, so you are left with the impression that the man in the picture is listening to music through earphones on his Bathmate while he waits for it to do its job.

uk-bathmate-brandpage-700x340

In the box, there is also a sachet of Jelqing Enhancement Serum. This is to be optionally used in conjunction with the Bathmate, and also possibly the first time that you realise that what you are doing is ‘Jelqing’. Now, maybe I should have read the manual a little more thoroughly, but when it came to removing the pump, the ‘how to’ wasn’t all that apparent. So there I was, temporarily filled with dread about how I was supposed to disengage the Bathmate from my person and little clue of how to do this. Was I destined to wear this thing forever? Having a sports drink shaped cock might be appealing to some women, but I’d doubt it would generally make me appealing…

The small black switch on top had little effect, so I pretty much had to wrench it off. Painfully. (Apparently you have to push down on the valve in order to release the pressure. Damn manual.)

Overall, this is a good pump, it does exactly what you’d expect it to, and if you follow the instructions to the letter regarding the regime of use, I imagine the effects would be pleasing. Comfort-wise, the vacuum itself is better than traditional air types, but the girth and hardness of the inner part of the pump meant that it did stab into my skin a little, leaving behind a visible red circle around the base of my fella. Maybe a curved entrance or softer material might be a consideration for future development, as would a more evident valve switch mechanism at the top of the pump. I’m looking forward to giving this pump and its manual a more thorough investigation, now that I am officially a revolutionary new ‘Jelqer’.

I have seen the future. And I have put my penis in it.

***

The Bathmate is available from all good adult retailers. Prices start at approx £70.

Click here to view the Bathmate at Simply Pleasure

Click here to view the Bathmate at Lovehoney

Violet x

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW SEX, DEATH, ROCK’N’ROLL ON FACEBOOK

TWEET ME!

I am sent items free of charge for review purposes but I am not paid for reviews and my opinions / those of my reviewers will always be honest (in fact if I really hate something it’s more likely that I just won’t review it at all and will go back to the manufacturer and ask them WTF they were thinking). I get a – very – small commission from any purchases made from links on SDRR, which goes towards site costs. I adhere to all advertising rules and always use ‘no follow’ links where appropriate.

2

Write all the things, whilst crying…

Source unknown - holler if you know where it's from!

THIS IS MY LIFE (source unknown)

***

I’m pretty sure that becoming a freelance writer was the most ridiculous idea I have ever had. This is a basic precis of the daily contents of my brain:

Work. Yes. Desk is clear, brain is sharp, let’s work.

*shuffles papers for ten minutes, checks Twitter*

Work now.

Oh I love this project, it’s such a good subject!

Hang on, it’s not as fun as I thought. It needs research. Maybe I’ll have a coffee first.

*two large pots of coffee later*

Why is my pen shaking?

Oh bollocks, there’s that other article that needs finishing first. Shit, is it due in today? It is. Shiiiiit.

I should probably have another coffee first though, to sharpen my brain.

AARGH I HAVE AN HOUR TO FINISH THIS I CANNOT DO IT WHY DO I EVEN DO THIS JOB ANYWAY AARRGH

I know, I’ll write a blog post instead. Everyone knows blogs should be updated on a regular basis.

There is nothing in my head. It is a bleak desert of grey nothingness. Who wants to read a blog post about nothing?

But if I write a post about nothing it at least means I’ve written something today. And then maybe I will feel better and be able to get the other work done.

And that, my friend, is why you have just wasted several minutes of your life reading nothing.

Violet x

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW SEX, DEATH, ROCK’N’ROLL ON FACEBOOK

TWEET ME!

 

 

0

Review: Linx Emperor penis sleeve

linx-emperor-penis-sleeve_1

Sometimes I ask other people to review products in order to give different angles on things, and also because I like to see their faces when I waggle something REALLY weird-looking them and say ‘It’s sexy! Honest! Please don’t run away!’

Luckily for me, some people are really gullible lovely, and say ‘Of course I’ll try that, it looks fun!’ Those are the kind of people we like here on SDRR.

We will call this particularly lovely person Jane. Jane tried out the Emperor Penis Sleeve from Simply Pleasure (or rather her partner did and she, er, joined in) and this is what she thinks (she’s still speaking to me, which is always a good sign).

***

Can I confess that I laughed when I was given this to review? It looked like something out of a sci-fi convention! I was also a bit confused about what went were, but my boyfriend soon realised that his balls were supposed to fit through the hole. I’m not quite sure how he got everything into it, but he managed somehow [note from Violet – there are diagrams on the box to explain what goes where, but our trusty testers were clearly too excitable to remember to read them].

He says it’s a bit difficult to get on properly, because air gets trapped in the end of the sleeve as you push your bits in. I have to say, it doesn’t look as ridiculous on as I thought it might, in fact it’s quite hot in a ‘what is that thing and what are you going to do with it’ kind of way.

I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to describe it in use without being embarrassingly graphic, but basically it is much nicer than I expected. It makes everything a bit bigger, obviously, but not in a scary way. We used quite a lot of lube with it, which helped. And I definitely liked the ridges.

I thought it might be off-putting for my boyfriend – like wearing a really thick condom? But he says he could feel through it quite well. And it didn’t start coming off mid-session, which is what I honestly thought would happen.

Would I use it again? We already have! I do like it and my boyfriend likes the novelty of it. Yes, I would recommend it to others – it’s not too expensive and it’s very straightforward to use, once you figure out what goes where. I would maybe think that it wouldn’t be so good if the man was very small or very large? Just because there’s no adjustment to the fit. But it would work well with most people, I think.

***

Thanks so much to Jane and her partner for testing this product for me. I have the best (and most tolerant) friends!

The Linx Emperor is available from Simply Pleasure and costs £19.95 

Violet x

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW SEX, DEATH, ROCK’N’ROLL ON FACEBOOK

TWEET ME!

I am sent items free of charge for review purposes but I am not paid for reviews and my opinions / those of my reviewers will always be honest (in fact if I really hate something it’s more likely that I just won’t review it at all and will go back to the manufacturer and ask them WTF they were thinking). I get a – very – small commission from any purchases made from links on SDRR, which goes towards site costs. I adhere to all advertising rules and always use ‘no follow’ links where appropriate.

0

The drugs DO work, actually

enhanced-buzz-18540-1380915501-24

So I had to go to the GP this week and utter those immortal words, ‘Ummm…yeah, well…er no, I’m not doing so good, actually.’ And my GP said ‘Aah well it happens, let’s see what we can do for you’ and now I’m on ‘proper’ meds again for the first time in about five years.

Backstory – I have a chronic anxiety disorder, was recently diagnosed with Aspergers and am also still recovering from a horse riding accident which has made me walk a bit wonky and gives me dizzy spells. Also there had been a shitload of crap going on on the homefront, mostly small stuff but it all adds up y’know?

So it was only a matter of time before my internal alarm was triggered and set the Mental loose once again…. And actually I have no issue whatsoever with taking drugs, and that’s kind of the point of this post. I’ve seen so many friends over the years put off the inevitable moment because they wanted to prove (to themselves, usually) that they could cope without help, and then don a metaphorical hair shirt when their approach doesn’t work and they end up taking the drugs anyway.

Don’t do drugs, kids. But if you need drugs, then TAKE THE FUCKING DRUGS.

I’ve been on and off medication for more than 25yrs – I’m chuffed to have managed half a decade without, but I knew this moment would happen again, the same as it’s happened so many times before. And what I really do know from experience is that putting it off doesn’t help – it just means you get to dig the Pit of Doom even deeper before deciding to get help to escape but by then you need a fucking ladder and the Pit is too deep and there’s mud on the bottom of it holding you down, and…

…fuck knows where I’m going with this. I am, quite frankly, UTTERLY BATSHIT right now. Luckily (I think) I always go batshit in an internal kind of way that allows me to function fairly normally on the surface – for example, I don’t think my kids ever think anything other than ‘mum’s a bit TENSE this week’, even when I’m internally raging and my brain genuinely feels as though it might implode at any moment. And I always get my work done, because if I don’t I don’t get paid and then there’s more to worry about and oh my god what if we end up on the streets and the kids get into a brawl and one of them dies and YOU CAN SEE HOW THIS GOES IN MY HEAD.

But now I have lovely, lovely drugs again – actually I already had propranolol but now I have pregabalin as well, which is apparently an epilepsy drug but works well for chronic anxiety no I don’t know how that works either but WOO DRUGS – and hopefully things will settle down soon. It would be nice to get through a day without crying, at least. That can be my new target – DO NOT WEEP FOR 24HRS NO NOT EVEN AT HAPPY THINGS YOU STILL LOOK LIKE A LUNATIC FFS.

Luckily(!) the youngest child is off school for the summer and I have shitloads of work to get done, so my brain should have less space to think. And there’s always gin. Lovely gin. In the meantime – if you’re struggling, GET HELP. No one gives out Martyr Medals and misery is a waste of bloody time. You don’t have to suffer this sort of shit on your own.

Because the drugs do work. Hopefully.

Violet x

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW SEX, DEATH, ROCK’N’ROLL ON FACEBOOK

TWEET ME!

4

Review: the Ruby Glow

Tabitha Rayne looking very pleased with herself. AS WELL SHE MIGHT.

Tabitha Rayne looking very pleased with herself. AS WELL SHE MIGHT. Photo © Violet Fenn

Given that I write about sex a LOT and see new sex toys a LOT and get to review them a LOT, it takes something really unusual to impress me these days. Basically, most toys fit into one or more of the following descriptions:

They go up someone’s fouf

They go up someone’s bum

You put a cock in them (yours or someone else’s, whatevs)

They electrify one of the aforementioned sexyparts

It is – believe it or not – possible to find oneself bored to fucking tears with the things because THEY ARE ALL THE FUCKING SAME. Literally, ha.

But the Ruby Glow  – tagline, ‘Pleasure for the seated lady’ – defies any of these descriptions, because all you need to do is sit on it. And it’s a different shape to anything I’ve seen before:

SDRR tabitha rayne ruby glow rocks off

Even weirder for a sex toy, you can keep your clothes on whilst doing the sexy sitting, should you so wish. Now obviously there is logic to sitting on a vibrating fun-nugget – it wiggles, it presses the right bits of anatomy, you wiggle. Simple formula. But I was slightly dubious, because a) it looks fucking weird; and b) surely the chair (or whatever you’ve placed it on) would absorb at least some of the vibrations?

Also, confession time – Tabitha is a friend, and an all round awesome woman. So I was actually a bit nervous about testing the Ruby Glow, because what if I didn’t like it god it would be so embarrassing what would I say uurrrrkkk…

So it’s a bloody good job that I loved it then, isn’t it? Saves everyone a lot of social embarrassment, that does. Yes it looks unlike any vibrator I’ve seen before, and yes, there’s something distinctly odd about sitting upright in a chair whilst wriggling on what basically looks like a very elegant doorstop, BUT IT REALLY WORKS.

I was wrong – the vibrations don’t get lost in the chair. They really, really don’t. Ummm. Trying to find negatives, I’d say it might not suit everyone purely because it’s a set shape and the human anatomy varies (someone actually discusses this issue at length in the reviews in this link). But I suspect that you’d be able to wriggle into position whatever your shape or size. Whether I’d actually use it whilst working is debatable, for the simple reason that I would never get any work done, ever.

Oh and it comes recommended by the Good Housekeeping Institute. Yes really.

So, er, yeah. Go buy one. They’re less than forty quid from Rocks Off and everyone deserves a treat. Especially when you get to say ‘Oh this thing? Just a doorstop. Yes I keep it on my desk, WHAT OF IT?’

Pleasure for the seated lady, indeed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have deadlines to meet. Must get back to my desk…

Violet x

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW SEX, DEATH, ROCK’N’ROLL ON FACEBOOK

TWEET ME!

I am sent items free of charge for review purposes but I am not paid for reviews and my opinions / those of my reviewers will always be honest (in fact if I really hate something it’s more likely that I just won’t review it at all and will go back to the manufacturer and ask them WTF they were thinking). I get a – very – small commission from any purchases made from links on SDRR, which goes towards site costs. I adhere to all advertising rules and always use ‘no follow’ links where appropriate.

3

Get Laid

D.2_ikon-bilde-Laid

You know when something feels so nice in your hands that you can’t help but just…fondle it? Well that’s what you get with the Laid D.2. Developed by Norwegian designers and looking unlike anything I’ve seen in a very long while, the Laid is carved from Absolute Black Granite that is quarried in the Shanxi region of China and is approximately 500 million years old.

Let’s just think about that for a minute – the Laid gives you the chance to put half a billion years of geological history up your fouf.

It is a thing of beauty – shiny and heavy and aesthetically just downright gorgeous. The shape means it’s easy to hold and use and the weight gives it, well…’a good bit of heft’ is the only way I can describe it. The stone that it’s made from is most commonly used for very expensive kitchen worktops, so is unlikely to wear out in a hurry, however overworked it is. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

It comes in lovely natural card packaging – irrelevant to the fitness for purpose obvs, but these things make a difference. The whole package looks designed – and with care, not by an intern who’s just finished their graphic design HND and is determined to use every trick they learnt on their final project.

The kind of toy that you could give as a luxury gift, the Laid is one of those rare toys that you could genuinely display on the mantelpiece and claim as modern art (or ancient art – there is evidence of stone dildos being used way back in prehistory). I absolutely love it.

The Laid D.2 retails at £80.95 and is currently only available in the UK through Simply Pleasure – click here for details (opens in new window)

Violet x

CLICK HERE TO FOLLOW SEX, DEATH, ROCK’N’ROLL ON FACEBOOK

TWEET ME!

I am sent items free of charge for review purposes but I am not paid for reviews and my opinions / those of my reviewers will always be honest (in fact if I really hate something it’s more likely that I just won’t review it at all and will go back to the manufacturer and ask them WTF they were thinking). I get a – very – small commission from any purchases made from links on SDRR, which goes towards site costs. I adhere to all advertising rules and always use ‘no follow’ links where appropriate.

0