Oh my fucking god I don’t even know where to start with this. A friend sent me a link this morning to a Facebook page called ‘Passion Dust’ which apparrrrrrently is a dissolving capsule of glitter that you shove up your flue in order to make it sparkle. I’m not linking to it because so help me it is one of the worst things I’ve ever heard of, but this is what their actual website looks like:   HOW THE FUCK DID I EVER LIVE WITHOUT A SPARKLY FANNY? Oh yes, I remember – fucking easily, because fannies are not designed to...

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Revisited article – My House Smells of Death and Sadness

Also known as, ‘I’m pretty sure that this sort of crap never happens to other people…’ Every now and again I stumble across an article on my laptop that was salvaged from my old website. This one still makes me cackle with horrified glee, so I thought I’d republish it here for shits’n’giggles. Backstory – back in the day when I had more spare time, I did a bit of taxidermy. The deceased animals awaited their final stuffing in an under-the-counter freezer in my kitchen, that I didn’t actually check very often. You can see where this is going,...

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fifty shades of what the f*ck is this

I managed to avoid watching Fifty Shades of Grey for several years. Not because I was particularly against it – I’d read the first book in the series and thought it was bearable if somewhat tedious and annoying, oh and appallingly badly written – but because I kind of knew I’d hate it.  Since then, several people have told me that I really should watch it because, like it or not, it’s had a huge impact on the adult industry. And I do a lot of work with that industry. I even got as far as buying a copy...

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the colour of my underwear is no-one’s effing business but my own

So I got a PR mailshot this morning about women’s lingerie. This actually isn’t a particularly rare occurrence – if you’re a middle-aged professional woman who writes about lifestyle topics then you get an awful lot of emails from people trying to interest you in their new Lady Product. I ignore the vast majority of them but this one piqued my interest, mostly because the second I started reading it I felt the Red Mist of Rage begin to descend. Let me explain. There is this company – I will call them Red Candy, because that is their name – whose tagline is, apparently, ‘BAN THE BEIGE’. All fine so far – I personally dislike beige intensely in all its guises (and people come in beige as well as products, FYI). Red Candy surveyed 2,144 adult males in the UK who described themselves as sexually active and asked them to declare which was their favourite colour for women’s underwear. Results were as follows: 1.       Red – 72% 2.       Purple – 44% 3.       Black – 24% 4.       Blue – 13% 5.       Pink – 11% Then, clearly being the nosy sorts, Red Candy asked these men which colour was their least favourite in women’s underwear, and it was thus: 1.       Beige – 64% 2.       Leopard print – 46% 3.       Yellow – 32% 4.       Orange – 27% 5.       White – 22% This darling press release continues: ‘Following this, respondents were asked if they had ever been...

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I started looking at weird band merch and then apparently I fell down a rabbit hole

Because there can be no reason other than a parallel universe for some of the weird shit that is out there. A confession – I actually originally intended to write this article for the Metro, but rapidly came to the conclusion that they would fire me for sullying their pages with such weirdness. So I decided to inflict it on my own readers instead. I know, I’m lovely like that. So take a deep breath (believe me, you’ll only feel like gagging later) and let’s head on in… *** Rammstein dildo set From Amazon: “This unique version of Rammstein’s sixth studio album, Liebe Ist Fur Alle Da, comes expansively packaged in a flight case style box. The package contains: the deluxe edition version of the album, six sex toys (numerically corresponding to each member of the band), handcuffs and lubricant. Please note this product contains sensitive elements which some customers may find offensive.”   *** Motorhead vibrators I’ve made no attempt to hide my love for Motörhead’s recent departure into the sex toy market – it’s just a shame that the man himself died so soon after they came to market. I propose a new charity drive. ‘Wank for Lemmy‘, anyone? *** Grimes’ ‘pussy rings’ Now this the sort of girl power there should be more of… *** Kiss Kasket An actual Thing You Can Buy. Dimebag Darrell was buried in one. ***...

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If you have read The State of Grace and enjoyed it, I'm almost at 100 Amazon reviews and it would be SO lovely to get there.