Category: WITTERINGS

On having no shame

  ‘I have no shame.’ It’s something I say quite often, usually in response to amused-yet-slightly-horrified comments when I’ve had yet another article published online about something that makes people feel slightly uncomfortable, whether that be death or sex toys (and if you want to see something really fucking hilarious that I wrote recently, click here – tl;dr, I rode a motherfucking Sybian and wrote about it on a massive website BECAUSE I HAVE NO SHAME. Oh and there was that time I offended a lot of Catholics). ‘I’d never dare put my name to something that graphic’, people say. ‘Aah well,...

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Being batshit is no excuse for being a dick

A friend of mine was sent a message today from someone who disagreed with how open she is about her mental health struggles. The absolute cunt who wrote the message – I’m beyond being polite, so fuck it – thought she shouldn’t be so open and jokey about things because apparently it makes their own struggles harder.  Yeah. Her way of dealing with her personal situation somehow makes life harder FOR SOMEONE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT WITH DIFFERENT HEALTH ISSUES ON ACCOUNT OF HOW THEY ARE, YOU KNOW, A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FUCKING PERSON. They kindly informed her they were cutting her off because they didn’t like...

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NO YOU SHOULDN’T PUT GLITTER IN YOUR FANNY WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED TO ASK THIS??

Oh my fucking god I don’t even know where to start with this. A friend sent me a link this morning to a Facebook page called ‘Passion Dust’ which apparrrrrrently is a dissolving capsule of glitter that you shove up your flue in order to make it sparkle. I’m not linking to it because so help me it is one of the worst things I’ve ever heard of, but this is what their actual website looks like:   HOW THE FUCK DID I EVER LIVE WITHOUT A SPARKLY FANNY? Oh yes, I remember – fucking easily, because fannies are not designed to...

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Why sexual happiness is a right, not a privilege

*** Sex is fun, free, good for you and I am one of its biggest fans. Sex is, quite frankly, brilliant.  But it wasn’t always like this – I used to have a dull, almost non-existent sex life. I wrote about it in this blog post about the horrors of being an unwilling partner in a Not Getting Any relationship and to this day it is one of the most popular things I have ever written anywhere.  I was astonished – and saddened – by the messages I received in response to that piece. I heard from both men and women...

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How to be a successful writer when you are seventeen shades of batshit crazy

Because I am a gobby twat who writes for lots of different places and isn’t afraid of shoving the resultant work right up into people’s faces, I occasionally get mistaken for someone who knows how to be a professional writer.  “Violet,” gullible idiots people say, “you are clearly not of sound mind half the time, yet you earn your living as a writer. I too would like to be a writer, please tell me how.” Once I’ve stopped laughing I usually change the subject before anyone realises that I am, actually, a complete fucking lunatic. Yet I do still manage to make my...

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