There is this company – I will call them Red Candy, because that is their name – whose tagline is, apparently, ‘BAN THE BEIGE’. All fine so far – I personally dislike beige intensely in all its guises (and people come in beige as well as products, FYI). Red Candy surveyed 2,144 adult males in the UK who described themselves as sexually active and asked them to declare which was their favourite colour for women’s underwear. Results were as follows:
1. Red – 72%
2. Purple – 44%
3. Black – 24%
4. Blue – 13%
5. Pink – 11%
Then, clearly being the nosy sorts, Red Candy asked these men which colour was their least favourite in women’s underwear, and it was thus:
1. Beige – 64%
2. Leopard print – 46%
3. Yellow – 32%
4. Orange – 27%
5. White – 22%
This darling press release continues:
‘Following this, respondents were asked if they had ever been put off sleeping with someone because of the colour of their underwear with 14% stating that they had.
In light of this, the team at Red Candy decided to give those with beige pants and bras the opportunity to send them in so that they could be given a red makeover.
Those who wish to send their beige bras in should send them to: 3 Pullman Court, Great Western Rd, Gloucester GL1 3ND. Senders only need to cover the cost of postage and all bras will be dyed with the upmost care before being returned to their owner.
Director at Red Candy, Andrew Menzies, made the following comments:
“We originally conducted the study because we wanted to find out men’s true feelings about underwear; women do tend to care so much about it so we wanted to see if men felt the same. We were surprised to hear that they do and that more than half of them find beige to be the biggest turn off.”
“As our tagline is ‘Shut up, beige!’ we wanted to do something special regarding these findings and we thought, hey, why not get the public to send us their horrible beige bras and exchange them for sexy red ones!”’
I HAVE SO MANY ISSUES WITH THIS THAT I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO START. So I shall make a list.
- This part of the press release: “A UK gifting website has decided to offer women who have bundles of beige bras the chance to send them in and have them dyed the colour that 72% of men agree is the ‘sexiest’ lingerie shade; red.”
They have decided to help women. Those poor women! With those ‘bundles of beige bras’ that they presumably keep in embarrassing stashes under the bed because they’re addicted to beige bras but daren’t show them in public. BUT IT IS OKAY BECAUSE THIS COMPANY WILL HELP YOU! They will leap into action like a battalion of white knights and show you the way to nirvana via men’s taste in women’s undies.
- The vast majority of women choose their underwear for themselves THEY DO NOT DRESS FOR MEN GODDAMMIT WHY ARE WE STILL EVEN HAVING THIS CONVERSATION IN THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY?? I personally don’t own any beige bras simply because I do not like the colour. However an awful lot of women do, because they do like the colour. Or perhaps they just buy the first thing they see in their size and it happened to be beige. OR MAYBE THEY CAN JUST DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY LIKE BECAUSE THEY ARE AUTONOMOUS ADULTS.
Also – this bra is beige by another name and it is an awful lot of things (what it is mostly is small), but what it absolutely isn’t is ‘horrible’.
- If you did decide to take advantage of this offer, you are agreeing to send off your used undies to a third party. In my world, if a man you’ve never met asks you to send him your worn knickers you direct him either to eBay or the nearest psychiatrist. Or at least ask him to send you a cheque first.
- THE ONLY CLOTHING ITEMS THAT MEN GET TO MAKE DECISIONS ON ARE CLOTHES THEY WEAR THEMSELVES.
And even if a chap is partial to a nice Figleaves two-piece underneath his business suit, he only gets to choose the colours for the ones he wears himself. No-one else’s.
But what actually tipped me over the edge was this bit – ‘all bras will be dyed with the upmost care before being returned to their owner.’ THE WORD IS UTMOST.
I did my own mini survey (okay, I asked two friends) about whether they’d ever been turned down at the finishing post simply because their potential bedtime companion disliked the colour of their kecks. Their responses:
Hell no! Who the fuck changes their mind at that point just because of underwear?
I’ve had expressions of pathetic gratitude, does that count?
In the interests of fairness I thought I’d widen the sample. So whether you’re male or female (because we believe in underwear equality here at SDRR Towers), please take a second to answer the following:
I’ll send the results to the company responsible. Or print them off and shove them up the jacksy of the next person who tries to ‘help’ women in the eternal struggle of dressing for male approval. Either or.