Apologies in advance for the Daily Fail link, but I wish to correct some of the points made in this article by the consistently and hilariously awful Liz Jones. I know she’s a terrible person – we ALL know she’s a terrible person. But this piece (do go read it first, cos this won’t make sense otherwise) made me chortle even more than most. So, in no particular order:
 
1) Ballerinas are not by definition ‘not too cerebral’. You don’t endure years of physical torture to reach your professional peak at the pinnacle of the arts by being a bit thick.
 
2) Jones says, “I’m always amazed, too, how famous people ricochet into the next relationship, so soon after the last one. Why is this?”
Because they meet someone they fancy and who fancies them back? Because they want to have sex and they’d prefer it to be with someone they actually like? Because even rich and famous people get lonely and it’s nice to have company when everyone else has gone home at the end of the day?
 
3) Jones also says – and she walked straight into this one with the air of someone who knows exactly what she’s doing, quite frankly – ‘I went for 32 years without even a sniff of sex, and yet a man who resembles a desiccated Shar Pei has to beat off bendy ballerinas with his Zimmer frame.”
Er, Liz, maybe the reason you lack any sex or romance in your life is less to do with money and/or looks, and more to do with the fact that you are a sour-mouthed, vindictive cow who seems to hate everyone (yes, including yourself)? Just a thought, love. Take that one to your next therapy session.
 
4) ‘His future child will only get to know his or her dad via YouTube and downloads, I suppose. What kind of childhood is that?’
How do you know that, Liz? Has Mick told you he doesn’t want anything to do with his child? Pictures of the prospective parents together show them to be very affectionate and amiable – and even if they’re not in a ‘regular’ relationship (who really cares?), how does that automatically equate to the father never ever seeing the child?
 
5) “I can sort of understand why women want a baby with a rich, charismatic, famous man. You want to hang on to a little bit of him, something that lasts, like a really expensive Swiss watch.
When he moves on to a younger model, literally, he is still tied to you, on an umbilical cord of maintenance payments.
You believe, too, that your children will be really good looking, and talented, and thus able to support you in later life if he ever brings up the pre-nup, or claims that you were never legally married in the first place. You will have proof you actually had sex with him when you come to pen your memoirs.”
Or maybe she just wanted a baby and he was happy to support that. He’s in a better place to do it than most prospective fathers, let’s face it. Or maybe it was an accident – it DOES happen, regardless of how careful you are. The fact that something’s unlikely doesn’t make it impossible.
 
And finally – 6) I’ve always found Mick Jagger attractive. It’s fuck all to do with money (because I’m never going to get my hands on that anyway) and entirely to do with the fact that he has led one hell of a life and just imagine the stories he could tell you! He’s INTERESTING, and that is the most attractive thing of all.