You know those lists that do the rounds of social media? The ‘rules for life, but in a kind, caring and humorous way’ ones? THEY CAN KISS MY FAT ASS.
Anyone who gives others a list of rules for life can go fuck themselves because 99% of the time those rules fit around their beliefs, not around what is best for others. The shittery in the following pictures was posted on Facebook last week, on a page for ‘fans of Jennifer Saunders’. People I know and love had clicked the ‘love’ emoji to proclaim that they too were cool and hip but Know What’s Best For Others. Which only makes me think they hadn’t actually read it properly. Because, ugh. Let’s see what the ‘fans’ had to say, shall we?
Looks lovely and funny and supportive, right? NO. Let’s break this shit down, shall we?
#10. What about when you don’t have enough coming in that you can’t put anything away? Cos that’s most of us – it’s a rare beast who can squirrel away cash for Nice Things when life’s a bit shit. Strike one for making you feel inadequate.
#14. Gossiping is bad unless it’s something you want to hear and then you’re all about the gossip, aren’t you Pamela? You mealy-mouthed, two faced slander-hag.
#16. Actually it probably won’t. University is great life experience and one I don’t regret in the slightest (although my ongoing student debt account might disagree), but approximately 0.1% of graduates end up working in the field they studied*. So, y’know – fill your boots, but don’t expect to be employable. You might as well drink your way through it and fuck the grades.
#21. FUCK OFF WITH THIS PATHOLOGICAL SEXIST SHITTERY RIGHT THIS MINUTE. Playing Monopoly against a three year old is ‘easy’, sex isn’t. Not if you’re putting the effort in, anyway. And women haven’t had ‘get married’ listed as a career goal for at least the past three decades, so shove that up your dry flaking fanny, Pam.
#24. *lights up* Aaah, that’s better.
#26. Or you could, y’know, just buy swimwear that looks nice and learn to like your own body. Your call.
#31. Ummm…even if you want kids together or have been tested for all the diseases in the world and know that you’re safe to get jiggy with the naked snake? I’m beginning to think you have issues, Pam.
#40. YOU ARE SUCH A MANIPULATIVE CUNT, PAMMONSTER. Everyone gets to make their own rules. FOR THEMSELVES.
#43. Ohhh hee tee! Let’s have a girly giggle about those silly girly things we do as sacrifice in order to make ourselves acceptable! Personally I’m a disposable razor kind of gal, but I don’t knock people who wax or don’t wax, or tie their fucking pubes into a dreadlock and swing them under their skirts. But speaking as someone who once gave birth on the living room floor, I can safely say that Pam is talking FUCKING BOLLOCKS again. When you have managed to squeeze out a full term baby onto the carpet and shat on your own foot at the same time BUT NOT CARED BECAUSE YOU WERE IN TOO MUCH PAIN, then you can whine about bikini waxing.
Until then, Pam, you can fuck off. And take your judgey friends with you.
*my own stats, that I just made up. I bet your sweet ass that I’m right tho.