“Yay, I’m out! What the…LET GO OF MY FOOT, BRENDA!”


Envy is a natural human emotion. We’ve all seen fabulous things happen to other people and heard that tiny little voice in the back of our heads whine, ‘But why not meeeeeeee?’ And it can be a powerful thing – an incentive for us to get off our arses and DO that shit. To achieve our aims, be the best Us we can be, all that woolly woo Doctor fucking Seuss* jazz-crap.

But have you occasionally found yourself quietly hoping that someone will fail so that you will feel better? Felt relieved when your friend doesn’t get the job they wanted, because it makes you feel less alone in your professional no man’s land? Go on, you can tell Aunty Vi.


Then you, my friend, are a fucking arseweasel.

How dare you begrudge another person some level of success? Since when were you the centre of the universe, Greeneyes? When it comes down to it we are all just crabs, scuttling around trying to get through life without being eaten by a fucking octopus.

Thing is, quite a lot of crabs get trapped and end up in a bucket, all tipped in together and getting on with things as well as they can under the circumstances. Some people like the security and comfort of the well-packed bucket, and that is absolutely fine – so long as you don’t force other crabs to stay in there with you.

Don’t you DARE pull on the legs of the crab next to you when it makes a break for freedom. Don’t you DARE decide that your neighbouring crab doesn’t deserve to get out ahead of you. Whether other people make it or not has absolutely no bearing on your own success – you are the captain of your own ship, motherfucker, and you can steer it wherever you like.

There is only one thing to say to a friend who has become successful: ‘Bloody well done. I’m really pleased for you.’

The end.

Violet x


*I fucking love Doctor Seuss. What I really, really don’t love is seeing his most excellent stories paraphrased into badly Photoshop’d memes that dilute his undisputed genius into positive thinking drivel. So there.