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So I had to go to the GP this week and utter those immortal words, ‘Ummm…yeah, well…er no, I’m not doing so good, actually.’ And my GP said ‘Aah well it happens, let’s see what we can do for you’ and now I’m on ‘proper’ meds again for the first time in about five years.

Backstory – I have a chronic anxiety disorder, was recently diagnosed with Aspergers and am also still recovering from a horse riding accident which has made me walk a bit wonky and gives me dizzy spells. Also there had been a shitload of crap going on on the homefront, mostly small stuff but it all adds up y’know?

So it was only a matter of time before my internal alarm was triggered and set the Mental loose once again…. And actually I have no issue whatsoever with taking drugs, and that’s kind of the point of this post. I’ve seen so many friends over the years put off the inevitable moment because they wanted to prove (to themselves, usually) that they could cope without help, and then don a metaphorical hair shirt when their approach doesn’t work and they end up taking the drugs anyway.

Don’t do drugs, kids. But if you need drugs, then TAKE THE FUCKING DRUGS.

I’ve been on and off medication for more than 25yrs – I’m chuffed to have managed half a decade without, but I knew this moment would happen again, the same as it’s happened so many times before. And what I really do know from experience is that putting it off doesn’t help – it just means you get to dig the Pit of Doom even deeper before deciding to get help to escape but by then you need a fucking ladder and the Pit is too deep and there’s mud on the bottom of it holding you down, and…

…fuck knows where I’m going with this. I am, quite frankly, UTTERLY BATSHIT right now. Luckily (I think) I always go batshit in an internal kind of way that allows me to function fairly normally on the surface – for example, I don’t think my kids ever think anything other than ‘mum’s a bit TENSE this week’, even when I’m internally raging and my brain genuinely feels as though it might implode at any moment. And I always get my work done, because if I don’t I don’t get paid and then there’s more to worry about and oh my god what if we end up on the streets and the kids get into a brawl and one of them dies and YOU CAN SEE HOW THIS GOES IN MY HEAD.

But now I have lovely, lovely drugs again – actually I already had propranolol but now I have pregabalin as well, which is apparently an epilepsy drug but works well for chronic anxiety no I don’t know how that works either but WOO DRUGS – and hopefully things will settle down soon. It would be nice to get through a day without crying, at least. That can be my new target – DO NOT WEEP FOR 24HRS NO NOT EVEN AT HAPPY THINGS YOU STILL LOOK LIKE A LUNATIC FFS.

Luckily(!) the youngest child is off school for the summer and I have shitloads of work to get done, so my brain should have less space to think. And there’s always gin. Lovely gin. In the meantime – if you’re struggling, GET HELP. No one gives out Martyr Medals and misery is a waste of bloody time. You don’t have to suffer this sort of shit on your own.

Because the drugs do work. Hopefully.

Violet x

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