The response to my recent post about why it’s okay to want a decent sex life elicited just the most amazing response – I heard from endless people who had been (or still were) in the same miserable situation that I escaped from. Whilst reassuring to know that I’m not the only one to have sailed that lonely boat, it was also incredibly fucking depressing to realise that such situations were so common.
I have therefore decided to make it my ongoing mission to explain to as many people as possible why it is perfectly acceptable – nay, a goddamn human RIGHT – to have a decent sex life.
There’s no obligation, of course – if you’re not a fan of the rumpy then that’s cool. But if you want it you should get it – whether alone or in company. So in that spirit, here’s the first of my (no doubt sporadic) ramblings about just how fucking awesome sex is.
REASONS WHY SHAGGING* IS ACE, by Violet Fenn (aged 45 and three quarters)
It doesn’t cost any money (unless you want it to), and you don’t need to leave the house to do it. In fact you don’t even have to get up off the living room floor. Can’t say that for skiing, can you?
IT’S GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH
Orgasm gives your heart muscles a workout and is known to reduce stress levels. And if you do it energetically enough you can burn off the same amount of calories that you would in a yoga session, only without having to roll around on a community hall floor and risk farting in a quiet room full of strangers.
YOU CAN DO IT ALONE
As Woody Allen famously said, “Don’t knock masturbation – it’s sex with someone you love.” Whether you fill your knicker drawer with fabulous toys or rely on the old five finger boyfriend, you can get jiggy with yourself in the five minutes (max) that you get in the shower before one of the kids comes in wanting a poo**.
OR IN COMPANY
If you’ve got a willing partner, you’ve got it made. Don’t forget to check out their fantasies as well as your own – you might be very pleasantly surprised (especially if their idea of fun involves even more people. And maybe chains. You never know your luck)
IF YOU DO WANT TO SPLASH CASH, THE WORLD IS YOUR SEXY OYSTER
I’m doing a lot of work with sex toy companies right now, and believe ME, I have some seriously awesome kit to introduce you to in the very near future. Sex toys are getting cute, classy and clever, uh huh. Mind you, sometimes they’re too cute for their own good. I was recently given one of these from those brilliant folk at BigTeazeToys, and I can tell you right now that he is too darned innocent looking to ever get a look at my ladygarden:
AGE IS NO BARRIER
You can get it on until you’ve got one foot in the grave, if you’re still physically capable – you might want to stock up on pain relief gel though (for your back afterwards, obviously – I wouldn’t like to think what it would feel like on your nethers…)
AND NEITHER IS SIZE
Fat, thin, short, tall, Phil Collins fan – someone, somewhere will genuinely think you’re the dog’s gilded bollocks and want to do to the horizontal tango with you. Guaranteed. Okay, maybe not if you’re a Phil Collins fan. Don’t tell them until after, is my advice.
YOU CAN DO IT AS MUCH (OR LITTLE) AS YOU WANT
Three times a day or three times a year, it’s up to you. No obligations, no contract, no subscriptions. BEST HOBBY EVER.
There are many more reasons why sex in all its glorious forms is brilliant, but I reckon these are good ones to start with. Go fornicate, my pretties!
*yes I still use the term shagging. So sue me. Given that I grew up in an era when people ‘bonked’, ‘shagging’ is quite the middle class pastime.
**and talk to you whilst processing said evacuation. They’ll also flush the loo, however much you screech at them not to (and however rarely they remember to under normal circumstances)