I managed to avoid watching Fifty Shades of Grey for several years. Not because I was particularly against it – I’d read the first book in the series and thought it was bearable if somewhat tedious and annoying, oh and appallingly badly written – but because I kind of knew I’d hate it.
Since then, several people have told me that I really should watch it because, like it or not, it’s had a huge impact on the adult industry. And I do a lot of work with that industry. I even got as far as buying a copy of the DVD. Even then I still kept putting it off because, well, I still kind of knew I’d hate it.
But today I was writing up an article for a commercial client (again, industry-related) and had also seen a few people on social media saying they’d been to see the latest instalment of the franchise. So on the spur of the moment I decided that I might as well get on with it.
After all, it couldn’t be that bad. Could it?
I was watching on my own and decided to give a running commentary on Facebook. So here – because I cannot think of any circumstances in which I will be able to make this shit make any more sense – is a copy of that commentary. If you’ve seen the film already then you’ll understand the references. And if you haven’t, then read it and weep with gratitude that you now won’t ever have to.
Danny Elfman did the music, wtf??
Big huge phallic building. Check.
Dorky ‘heroine’. Checcccck.
Oh god I hate it already…
See now, I’ve got a copy of the original from when it was still Twilight fanfic. I kind of assumed that the film version would make it less obviously Twilight. IT DOESN’T.
PUT THE FUCKING CABLE TIES DOWN YOU IDIOT FUCKING CUNT
Is her fucking PSYCHO RADAR switched off or something??
Oh jesus I hate all these people so much.
“I’m not the man for you. You should steer clear of me. I have to let you go.”
YOU’VE BEEN FOR COFFEE ONCE AND SHE HAS DONE NOTHING BUT BITE HER OWN FACE.
I’m pretty sure Dakota Johnson had to be sedated to get through this gig. It’s the only explanation for her (lack of) acting.
If you woke up in a strange room and there was a tablet on the side table with a card saying ‘eat me’ on it, would you? THOUGHT NOT.
‘I would like to bite that lip’
‘I think I would like that too.’
Not only is this not romantic, it’s not even remotely sexy.
WHY HASN’T ANYONE EVER PICKED ME UP FROM THE PUB IN A HELICOPTER??
I need a ciggie break.
Well you’ll have to do more than just talk at me to manage that, mate…
If a boyfriend of mine opened a secret door onto a room like that I’d be in there bouncing on the benches within thirty seconds. JUST SAYING.
“It’s called a flogger”
Aah, and there was me thinking it was a fucking fishtank.
“What do I get out of this?”
MUST TRY HARDER
OH JESUS I DON’T THINK I CAN ACTUALLY WATCH THIS ANY MORE
He is currently ‘rectifying the situation’. WTF????
Ugh ugh ugh
She spends a lot more time fully naked than he does, doesn’t she?
HE IS THE SHITTEST SEX PARTNER EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD
It has lines in it that are LITERALLY lifted from Twilight. They haven’t even attempted to change it. D’you think she pays royalties to Stephenie Meyer?
“You’ll feel safe.”
AHHHHAHAHAH I FUCKING DOUBT THAT, KING CREEP
If anyone ever tried to stop me smoking or drinking, or made me eat only ‘prescribed foods’ I would punch him in the cock.
And if he broke into my house I would feel free to cut his entitled fucking cock off.
She’s far more naked than he is again. Funny that.
“That was really nice”
SOMEONE KILL ME NOW
We’re panning up a gigantic cock-building again. Sigh.
“You’re very kind”
He is not kind.
How can he tell what colour her fucking complexion is when the whole screen is coloured red?
They’re just gaping at each other now. Schexy.
He wants to eradicate hunger and poverty now. That’s nice.
OH GOD THIS IS THE LEAST SEXY FILM EVER
He’s just spanked her for the first time and walked out despite her wanting him to stay. And now she’s crying. SO THAT’S NICE.
I’ve had to pause it cos my youngest son has come home to pack for a weekend at his dad’s. Had to switch the TV off sharpish cos there was a bare arse on it. I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHOSE BARE ARSE IT WAS FFS.
So I’ve just watched what I assume is the Big Sex Scene. It involved lots of flinging her around like a sack of potatoes and badly edited-together shots of him doing lots of random thrusting.
It did NOT look sexy. It looked like he was performing for an invisible audience. Possibly an audience of wanking monkeys. BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE COULD POSSIBLY ENJOY THIS SHIT.
I know, I know. I was being far too cruel to monkeys.
Seriously tho, have you SEEN this shittery???
Ooooh she’s gone away without asking his permission, yay!!! Ohhhh but being without him is making her miserable, boo…
Oh and now he’s turned up without warning. RUN ANA! RUN LIKE THE WIND!
He just called her his girlfriend and now she’s happy because she is his girlfriend OH MY GOD HOW MUCH LONGER DOES THIS FUCKWITTERY LAST???
And now I’m googling ‘can gliders do a barrel roll‘ because I’m fairly sure that they’re making this shit up as they go along
Everyone’s topless again. I never realised before just how boring nakedness could be.
Apparently the only acceptable soundtrack to someone being whipped is the noise a swarm of bees would make if they were trapped in a small echo chamber
What the fuck is going on with the sound? EVEN MY TELEVISION HATES THIS MOVIE
We’ve got to the ‘if you really loved me you wouldn’t want to hurt me’ stage. SO THAT’S HEALTHY.
So now he is calmly preparing to hurt her as much as he can despite knowing she really doesn’t want to and is doing it for ALL the wrong reasons. Oh my fucking god I hate this film so much.
And she is crying and hates him and doesn’t understand anything BUT IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE SEXY AND GOOD KINK???
Oh my god I am RAGING
*lift doors close*
Is that how it ends??? Seriously? AHAHAHAHA FUCKING HELL SOMEONE PASS THE GIN
I need cigarettes and gin.
and a bath in bleach.
and maybe a little cry.