"I've hidden the dildo under the rug for you, George. Chin chin!"

“I’ve hidden the dildo under the rug for you, George. Chin chin!”


Ohhhhh how we sniggered at this title! You’ve got to love (male) friends who, without missing a beat, say ‘Of course I’ll review sex toys for you’, thus facilitating ridiculous meetings in busy coffee shops to hand over sneaky packages and cackle loudly about cock rings like a pair of flapping, pervy crows. I know the best people. Over to Mr Anonymous:


SP miss lolita

Tinkerbell clings on for dear life…


The Miss Lolita Vibrating Masturbator comes in a large, smart plain grey box and upon opening it, it’s apparent that there is actual *content* involved here; it weighs around the same as a bag of (wobbly pink) sugar and is well wrapped in an almost unremovable polythene bag, presumably for added freshness but more likely for hygiene purposes.

There’s very little in the way of instructions; it’s assumed that it’s simple enough to use straight out of the box and contains no little bits of paper with the usual warnings and regulations usually associated with electrical items. The usual breakdown of where you’re supposed to pop your knob & where the batteries go are detailed in a basic line drawing on the rear of the box, just in case you’re confused. There’s even an arbitrary line graph of no particular unit of measurement which showed that the vibration control was variable, for all you techies.

It runs from two AA batteries which easily fit under the hatch of a small wired remote in that particular shade of orangey-pinkish, off-white favoured by manufacturers of women’s toys back in the 1970s, or if you heavily smoked around them for a while, the home computers of the 1990s. The silicone part is of course, a nice shade of ‘excited vagina’ blush. (Why I’m not employed to name paint for Dulux, I will never know.)

The vibrating part is situated in a small plastic cup right at the end of the toy which means that’s where all the buzzy fun will be concentrated, but I’ll get on to that later. The masturbator itself is a good size and fits in the hand nicely, given the weight behind it. Sculpted into the top of the silicone body is a tiny woman on all fours while her disproportionately massive vagina lips aims towards you. I assume that this is to enhance the overall experience, but to me it sort of felt like Tinkerbell was hanging on for grim death while you were intent on quietly getting your rocks off. I’ve seen this sort of thing many a time on male sex toys, and I always wondered if it was completely necessary-we all know what it is when we buy it. Vibrators don’t come with a teeny, weeny sculpted man on the bottom of them, do they? However, if there comes a time where I become sexually aroused from watching ‘The Borrowers’, I know exactly what I’m using to help scratch that itch.

Whether it was a manufacturing fault or an unspoken ‘seal of freshness guarantee’ I can’t say, but there was, erm…no hole. At all. Cock-blocked at the first hurdle!!!

I felt around, poked & prodded between the lips…nothing. It wasn’t until I had to resort to literally pushing a hole through the silicone with my finger that I was able to get to the cavity inside. I wouldn’t recommend doing this yourself if you have the same problem, as you then end up with tiny little crumbs of silicone everywhere from the tearing. A sugar coated sponge finger isn’t a great look for your little fella at all. Instead, use a sharp knife to make a clean cut in the very centre. The cavity inside is roomy, which for a bloke like me who isn’t particularly blessed with porn star dimensions, was a bit daunting-it’s about two to three fingers wide with plenty of wriggle room in there. But during use, this becomes irrelevant as it becomes tighter if you’re actually gripping it.

Anyway, it was time to lube up and take her round the block for a test drive. I recommend using plenty of lube, as a dry ride is almost guaranteed if you don’t. Like I said earlier, the vibrating motor is at the end of the toy, so after a little experimentation, I found that the best position for use is to be lying down and holding the toy around the opening to allow the vibrations travel down the silicone around your cock for a while before getting into the swing of it. The physical nature of silicone is that it will absorb vibrations rather than transmit them, so be patient-the vibrations are subtle but not insignificant. Would they be better experienced around the shaft rather than right at the end? Definitely. But we’re not here for a science lesson, unless you happen to find science irrationally sexy…
There’s not a lot of power in the motor at full whack, but she is quiet running (I understand this to be the Holy Grail of toys in general) and the overall experience was quite pleasurable. Again, the more lube you use, the better it feels. The Miss Lolita is easy to wash out afterwards – use warm soapy water to accomplish this but be careful to avoid getting the electrics damp, obviously.

I’d wager that this is more fun with a partner at the controls, but if you’re looking to pass away a quiet Sunday afternoon polewhacking during Songs Of Praise or indeed, during a re-run of The Borrowers (Roald Dahl would be spinning in his bloody grave), The Miss Lolita Vibrating Masturbator is definitely worth having close to hand.


Let it never be said that my friends don’t go the extra mile. The Miss Lolita is available from Simply Pleasure – click here for more details (link opens in new window).

More reviews coming(fnar) very soon – stay tuned!

Violet x




Whilst I have not been paid for this review I have an affiliate partnership with Simply Pleasure, which basically means that I get a tiny commission for any items sold via my website. We are talking pennies here, so I would hope that no one begrudges me that. Reviews are always honest, regardless of where the item has come from. You can read my full disclosure policy here.