One of the other threads of my slightly random portfolio career is writing an occasional column for Psychologies magazine’s ‘online expert’ panel. I AM A GODDAMN EXPERT, MOTHERFUCKERS.
I’m currently putting together an article about unusual sex toys for aforementioned column, and in the course of my research I was sent one of these babies from those lovely folk at Mystim:
His name is Truman. Tickling Truman, to be precise. And the way he tickles is with ELECTRIC SHOCKS. Oh yes indeedy – you can now fry your fanjita in the comfort of your own home. You never even knew you were missing out on this, did you?
Electrostim devices have existed for eons – it’s the same principle that TENS machines use for pain relief in childbirth (has anyone ever actually had any pain relief from a TENS machine? I was given one whilst in labour with my eldest – it was like having an angry wasp prodding my nethers and I lasted approximately three minutes between application and throwing the bloody thing across the room). Most electrostim toys are rather…medical in appearance, thus also rendering them, quite frankly, fucking terrifying. So all power to Mystim for making a product that actually looks attractive to the average user (and by ‘average user’ I mean ‘someone who likes having sex and would like to have even more interesting sex without actually clamping their nipples to the kettle’).
Truman has been around a couple of years now (he has friends called Electric Eric and Sizzling Simon, no less), but I’m betting that a lot of people will still have no idea that toys such as this actually exist. Which is a shame, because it is a BRILLIANT idea – boring old rabbits fade into obscurity when up against this tingly dude.
So, what’s Truman actually like? Weeeell…do you remember those Slendertone pads that everyone’s mum had in the 80s? The ones that made your stomach muscles jump in a weirdly uncontrollable manner but had no discernible effect on muscle tone whatsoever?
Now imagine those pads wedged into a (very prettily designed) vibrator and shoved where the sun don’t shine. NO DON’T RUN AWAY IT’S BETTER THAN IT SOUNDS! PROMISE!
Honestly, it’s such an odd thing that it cannot really be described. Maybe try sitting on an electric fence when a farmer’s got his back turned, that should give you a good idea. It makes muscles clench without human input, that’s the main thing. This thing is weird, in such a way that its awesomeness defies proper description.
The bumph that comes with it suggests that it can be used as a Kegel trainer – as well as its thirteen (count ’em!) different settings it has a ‘training programme’. BOOTCAMP FOR YOUR FOUF! Do I think it’s capable of giving ladies the ability to crack walnuts with their fannies? No I do not. Would I recommend it?
Reader, I would marry it.
Please note that, although I was sent sample product I am not under any obligation to report favourably on it, nor am I being paid for this article. Basically I’m watching the election results coming in and it’s so depressing that I decided to write about sex toys to take my mind off the country facing five more years of being dismantled underneath us. Electrosex or Spamface Cameron – your call.