I’m sure there’s something more interesting you could be doing…

This post was triggered by a conversation with a friend on Facebook yesterday in which she admitted that:

“The first time I ever realised I’d masturbated, I didn’t know what it was and thought I was going to die. I remember tearing through the pages of an Usborne book, frantically crying. And then I read that I’d given myself an ‘orgasm’ and the sobs just got louder until I realised I was actually going to live. “

Because that is the kind of conversations I have with friends on social media. Anyway it got me to thinking – I reckon most people can remember the first time they had a wank and just how weird and brilliant it was. Suddenly you could do this THING and it felt sort of strange but totally brilliant and oh my god I have been wasting all this time floundering on the bed mooning about pop stars and not knowing why I felt a bit warm and maybe I will never get out of bed again. Ever.

Wanking is BRILLIANT. It’s free and it’s fun and you don’t have to ask permission and you don’t need anyone else’s help to do it (although that can be fun as well). And wanking makes pretty much every situation in life better.

Tired but can’t sleep? Have a wank – it’ll either help you sleep or keep you occupied until morning.

Row with the boss at work? Have a wank – you can make it an angry one if you like. There’s something deliciously brilliant about having an angry wank whilst thinking of someone you hate.

Hungover and feel like shit? Have a wank – it’s a better cure than anything except a fry up. My recommended method is to wank, then eat, then wank again.

Broken up with your boyfriend/girlfriend? Have a wank and think about all the new people you can now have sex with.

See? Wanking is the cure-all to end them all and you can do it however you like so long as it gets you off. And if you’re pulling a slightly shocked face at me saying all this ‘out loud’ then more fool you – we all know that you secretly love a bit of a tug but can’t get your head around the weird guilt feelings. Fuck guilt – it’s put there by outside influences that have no right to affect your bodily autonomy. Women in particular get hung up on admitting to ‘home alone fun time’ because society still likes to imply that ‘good girls don’t’. Good girls DO. As do bad girls and nice girls and girls who are utter bitches but are still perfectly entitled to fiddle themselves into a stupor just because they feel like it. 

If you’re a man reading this then you almost certainly have no qualms about admitting to having a tug – good on you, do it more, practice so you can show partners how to do it for you. Because everyone does it slightly differently and it’s worth remembering that. You might like to slap your cock with a wet haddock in order to get off, but your next partner might prefer kippers. A terrible analogy, but you almost certainly know exactly what I mean.

No one can be angry or miserable just after a good wank – if more politicians nipped into the members’ toilets before PM questions the world would be a better place. Although some of them are, admittedly, just wankers. But even wankers are allowed to wank. 

It’s the weekend – if you’re at a loose end, you know what to do. All power to your elbow.