I think I may have discovered the most depressing thing ever – the daily food diary of someone who is ACTUALLY CALLED ‘BACON’ but apparently eats nothing but dust and air. In an Elle article from last year (h/t to Big Fashionista who posted the link on Facebook), Amanda Chantal BACON (I’m sorry, I can’t get my head around the irony) talks us through her daily food intake.
Anyone who eats a ‘libido-boosting’ supplement that calls itself ‘Brain Dust’ is not a safe dinner guest. Even if she’s not actually a zombie (and, y’know, THEY’RE OUT THERE FOLKS), she doesn’t exactly come across as potentially scintillating company, does she? Plonk a lasagne in front of this woman and she’s going to spend the next two hours telling you that cheese kills.
In case anyone is daft enough to read this sort of crap and actually consider whether they should be eating powdered spiders and twigs instead of, y’know, proper food, I thought I’d go through the article and add my own daily intake as a sort of ‘compare and contrast’:
My alarm goes off at 6.45am. I make groaning noises and flap at the snooze button until 7am, when I drag my carcass out of bed and poke my 11 yr old son with a stick until he regains consciousness. I aid this by putting Spongebob on in his bedroom and turning the volume up to painful levels.
I too have a hot drink on the school run at 8am, but mine is double strength Lavazza from a travel mug whilst waiting in a pub carpark to meet the taxi that takes the bratling to school.
Sorry, I cut it off before it made me want to drown myself in a vat of double cream and jello. By 9.30am I have finished off the first pot of coffee and am brewing the second. Around this time I will have crumpets and possibly a toasted tea cake with butter. I’m yet to try using tea cakes as part of my ‘delicious skin regime’, but there’s always time. Onward!
I ate olives for lunch! Okay so they were in oil, and on a plate that also included salami and half a pound of blue cheese, but at least I’m covering all the major food groups. I do attempt to feed my kids courgettes occasionally (anyone who lives in the UK and calls them zucchini needs a kick, so be warned), but I may as well slice them, cook them and tip them straight into the bin. I did eat lunch whilst typing emails with one hand – hey, I’m a super powered lady business princess after all!
I’ve usually eaten an entire bar of dark chocolate by 3pm. Coconut makes my tongue swell up and the only visit I did last weekend was to Tesco for toilet roll.
We call that McDonalds.
Is it really your 3 year old’s favourite restaurant? Really really? I do actually like seaweed – so long as we’re talking about the fried cabbage version that you get from the Chinese takeaway. Just thinking about yoga makes me skeevy.
From 7 to 9pm I try to get some work done in front of The Big Bang Theory, with my go-to snack, Doritos.
My son and I make his melatonin drink at bedtime. We like to think that maybe one day we will actually get a full night’s sleep.
By 11pm I’m probably on my second G&T. I too love chocolate, so I have devised a million excuses for why the kids’ stashes keep mysteriously disappearing in the night.