Oh my fucking god I don’t even know where to start with this. A friend sent me a link this morning to a Facebook page called ‘Passion Dust’ which apparrrrrrently is a dissolving capsule of glitter that you shove up your flue in order to make it sparkle. I’m not linking to it because so help me it is one of the worst things I’ve ever heard of, but this is what their actual website looks like:

 

HOW THE FUCK DID I EVER LIVE WITHOUT A SPARKLY FANNY? Oh yes, I remember – fucking easily, because fannies are not designed to sparkle and are quite pretty enough as they are, thank you very much indeed. And also because I quite like not having vaginal infections caused by BITS OF FUCKING GLITTER.

Seriously, there is nothing that isn’t awful about this product. See this screenshot, from the Q&A page on Passion Dust’s website? I have added some extra info, because I love you and I do not want you to ever think that a) your fanny is anything other than a brilliant piece of evolutionary design that cleans itself without even being asked; and b) that anyone – whether man, woman or fucking nine-toed alien, so long as said alien is over the age of consent on his or her planet (which is undoubtedly less backward thinking than ours so it’ll have chucked the fucking glitter out of the window anyway by the time you’ve got to this point)  – should ever need to be fooled into thinking your fouf tastes only of sugar and sparkles in order to be brave enough to get their face anywhere near it. 

I cannot state this enough – IF YOU NEED TO MAKE YOUR VAGINA SPARKLE IN ORDER TO BE ACCEPTABLE THEN YOU HAVE ISSUES THAT NEED WORKING THROUGH. Or you need better taste in sexual partners. What you certainly don’t need is someone selling you potential bacterial infections in a handy capsule form.

Now, I am really really hoping that the comments I’ve seen suggesting that Passion Dust doesn’t actually exist and is just a wind up are true, because ain’t nobody got time for this shit. With any luck it’s just yet another scam and if so, they’ve certainly picked a subject that people will notice and gullibles will order. Or perhaps it’s fucking link-farming or click-troughing or I don’t know what the fuck ever else.

But it still serves to remind us that there are endless adverts for things that might just – if you’re really lucky and aren’t too far gone in the first place – make your fanjita slightly less disgusting in order that some poor loserrrrrr might force themselves to go near it. Washes, trimmers, fucking insertable wasp nest shit ffs, which I can barely even type properly because who the fuck ever thought THAT was a good idea?

Yes, you need to wash your bits – the outside bits, anyway. The rest of it can be left the fuck alone. And believe me – it is prettier without glitter.

VIOLET

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