Sometimes I have too much work on to do all the reviews myself, and sometimes I simply don’t have the, erm, equipment required to do an item justice. On such occasions I pass products over to a small team of highly focussed – and seriously trusting, given the things I sometimes send them – guest reviewers.
This is one of those occasions.
It never takes all that long for Homo Sapiens to find their skills, advance them, and then use them to get their rocks off accordingly.
Consequently it comes as no surprise that the leaps in current technology for affordable virtual reality have made their way into the sex toy industry, and with it comes the Cyber Pro Stealth Stroker – essentially a silicone wank can with optional bullet vibe which is bundled with the type of VR goggles one uses with a smartphone.
Searching around on the internet it seems that VR porn can be found for pretty much every niche, but be prepared to pay premium for subscription sites. The only way to use VR porn is to download it to your phone first and there seems to be no real way to stream and control it once the phone is inserted into the goggles. There is as yet no free and substantial library of VR porn to keep you happily bedridden.
The Cyber Pro bundled is packaged neatly together but not actually connected in any way. Not once was I sucked into the internet like in Lawmower Man or Tron with full access to all your bank account numbers & cloud-stored dodgy midget porn catalogues.
The goggles are purely to enhance the experience of your solo performance, but you can always crack one off sans technologyI if you don’t want to experience Virtual Reality. But hey, where would the fun be in that?
GIMME THEM GOGGLES; I WANNA BEAT OFF TO THE FUTURE!
Let’s talk about the Cyber Pro Stealth Stroker itself first. For the uninitiated, it’s not all that clear how you’re supposed to use it despite there only ever being one obvious way for your dick to go in. There’s a hygiene lid on the can and also a retaining ring on the inside, for which I saw no real point. But in order to insert the optional bullet vibe (which sends vibrations to the top of your cock), you need to remove the inner silicone vag-thing from the plastic can it comes in first. I’m not sure if you’re supposed to put it back in the can or not for use, but if you do, then you can’t turn the vibe on & off since it goes back into the can that end first. And since I once came quite close to nearly having a water powered penis pump permanently attached (I’m not even fucking kidding, click here to open another tab and see how THAT panned out), I was more than a little keen to study the supplied manual first before popping myself in, lest I be found dead from toxoplasmosis, malnutrition & embarrassment several days later wearing nothing but goggles and with a plastic can on my cock (some would say that I’d have gone the way I wanted, but I’m not sure that ‘dying whilst looking like a perverted Eddie The Eagle’ is on my List of Preferred Methods of Checking Out).
There’s a small hole at the bottom end of the plastic can which you can use to create suction within the silicone wankeroo (I’m quickly running out of amusing names for that part, so bear with me) and if you use the supplied sachet of lube, the sensation is rather quite excellent, especially with the vibe inserted. (I guess that answered my question on whether the outer can is part of the ‘experience’ or not).
Design-wise, it may have been better to have the bullet vibe inserted at the bottom where my balls are or along the length of the shaft in the silicone part as opposed to just at the top, since this meant that if you’re lacking in length, you’ll miss out on most of the buzzy fun as the silicone doesn’t transmit vibrations very well.
Does it work? Oh yes. No problem there at all – I lost almost half my body weight in jizz due to the well-designed inner cock tunnel ridges. As a ‘stealth’ (can anyone really crack one off ‘stealthily’?) stroker, it’s definitely one of the better ones I’ve tried, sensation-wise. Cleaning out is simple too – just follow the instructions for cleaning and I’ll wager that this toy would last you a very long time indeed.
But of course, all you really want to know is what it’s like to shove oneself into what looks like a plastic milkshake bottle while wearing VR goggles, so let’s get straight onto that, shall we?
The goggles take up about 75% of the box, and it’s more or less obvious how they work once you unwrap them. You open the front, insert your smart phone loaded with VR porn and away you go. This was my first foray into the world of VR, so obviously I didn’t have a clue where to start. The manual refers you to the manufacturer’s website which then refers you to instructions on how to install a VR player app and gives you a few links to acquire some free samples of VR porn. Within a few minutes of completing this minor technological hurdle, you are up and running.
Setup of the app is mostly easy, but what isn’t apparent is how you’re supposed to control the video playback once you’ve inserted your phone into the goggles. It turns out that you use head gestures to make a control panel appear on the screen and then you steer a cursor over the controls to activate them with your head. One can only assume that should someone walk in on you while you’re all VR’d up, you’ll resemble a plucked and mildly concussed pigeon. Hopefully this would be enough for whoever walked in on you to quietly back out of the room and leave you to it. Or leave you a nice cuppa on the side for after you’ve finished.
I won’t go too deep into the technicalities of VR as overall experience is entirely dependent on the spec of your smartphone, but my VR adventure was quite a unique experience. I was very much in the room with the ‘actors’ and looking around the room is quite weird too. Girls were up to their wristwatches in each other and there was me looking around this log cabin we’re all in, checking out the furniture. What the hell is wrong with me?
I urge you to give VR porn a go at least once. Just make sure that nobody else is in the house while you’re playing with it as you’ll probably want the sound turned up full on your phone (or use earphones for that fully-immersed Lawnmower Man experience) to get the most out of it. It may not be your thing, but you can always use the goggles for more innocent VR fun instead if it doesn’t rock your world, like rollercoaster ride videos or whatever. Or maybe that’s the thing you want to jack off to most. Who am I to judge?
As I’ve said before; I’ve seen the future, and I’ve put my penis in it. Not even Marty McFly could say that (although if he did, we’d all remember a far more interesting movie).
The Linx Cyber Pro Stealth Stroker and Headset costs £39.95 from Simply Pleasure
I am sent items free of charge for review purposes but I am not paid for reviews and my opinions / those of my reviewers will always be honest (in fact if I really hate something it’s more likely that I just won’t review it at all and will go back to the manufacturer and ask them WTF they were thinking). I get a (very) small commission from purchases made from (some, but not all) links on SDRR, which goes towards site costs. I adhere to all advertising rules and always use ‘no follow’ links where appropriate.