Sex is not usually a tidy business. In fact my motto would generally be ‘if it isn’t messy, you’re not doing it right’.

But ohhhhh the cleaning! Whatever -ahem- fluids  you spill around the place (fluids is a brilliant word, isn’t it? Say it with me – fluuuuiddsss), they’re guaranteed to spill onto something they shouldn’t. Pale carpets, the duvet, the end of the sofa where the stain will be visible to all who enter your house until the end of time (or the day you get sick of telling people you spilled coffee, and just buy a new bloody sofa).

The obvious answer is to throw something over the bed/floor/sofa/whatever shag space you prefer. But that’s just shifting the problem, because then you have sheets or towels to wash. And those stains are hard to remove, amiright? And rubber sheeting is really difficult to store. 

So when Sheets of San Francisco sent me one of their ‘funsheets’ to try out, I was all over that thing. Literally. Engineered from 2-ply polyurethane, the fabric feels rubberised but washes like normal bedding. It is also fluid-proof – as in, nothing gets through it and nothing stains it. It is also massive – more than 2 metres wide by nearly 2.5 metres long – so plenty big enough to protect your schizz.

But just how protective is it? I decided to test it out. 

First, the obvious. Most people buy lube these days and most people get lube all over the bloody sheets (and in their hair and eyes if they’re anything like me, but that’s a whole different story). Although most of it claims to be washable, some makes – especially oil-based ones – still leave marks. And mattresses aren’t washable, so if it gets on those you’re stuck with it. 

Anyone for lube and mayo? (yeah I know, but it seemed the gloopiest thing I could photograph without this article becoming actually obscene).

Aaaaaand ketchup. Nicely rubbed in.

I was genuinely amazed to discover that nothing had seeped through (‘seep’ – another excellent word right there). This is the underside of that ^^ mess:

This thing needs a serious wash. Thirty degrees ‘quickwash’, because I am a lazy bastard and that’s the only cycle I will ever use (although it can be washed at 40). I hung it on the line to dry as it was a nice day, but I’m assured that it can be tumble dried on low heat.  And ta da! Clean as a new pin!

Okay, so I know some people will be all “Well of course it looks clean, that’s why they make it in black, duh!” but this beauty also comes in white and I have been assured that the only thing that might possibly stain even the white one is coloured candle wax. And if you’re prepared to drip hot wax over someone in the bedroom you’re unlikely to be the sort who’s offended by a minor colour stain, is my reckoning. 

Oh, oh – and it’s stiletto-proof as well. Of course it is.  The makers reckon you could prance around on these all night in your spikiest heels* without doing too much damage. 

So is the Funsheet worth its £129 price tag? HELLS YES. It covers everything, comes up clean and can be used as a blanket if you fancy a Pervert’s Picnic. And what’s not to love about that??

The black Funsheet Plus costs £129 from Sheets of San Francisco




*you can, if you like – I’ve never been able to walk in bloody heels, and slippers don’t have the same sexy effect for some reason. FML.

I am sent items free of charge for review purposes but I am not paid for reviews and my opinions / those of my reviewers will always be honest (in fact if I really hate something it’s more likely that I just won’t review it at all and will go back to the manufacturer and ask them WTF they were thinking). I get a (very) small commission from purchases made from (some, but not all) links on SDRR, which goes towards site costs. I adhere to all advertising rules and always use ‘no follow’ links where appropriate.