I‘ve reviewed suction vibrators before, but Womanizer really is the top drawer version of these products. Not only was it pretty much the first one on the market, it’s also consistently held up as being the best. 

But is it? Is it really? Gather round, my pretties, and we shall investigate. 

Those lovely ladies at Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium (best sex shop name ever) sent me the Womanizer 2Go, which is a lipstick-shaped version of the Womanizer but works in the same way as the original, by creating suction around the clitoris. Waves of air pressure then give the ‘vibration’.

The outer design is excellent – it’s the first discreet sex toy I’ve tried which really is discreet. It could be left out on a dressing table without anyone ever guessing what its true use is, because so long as it has its lid on it looks exactly like a perfume bottle.

ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT LIKE THE OTHERS

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Okay so it’s fairly obvious the minute you take the lid off that this is actually some kind of sexy stick thing, but by that point I’m assuming you wouldn’t be trying to spray it round your ears anyway.

The product description irritates me because it’s not actually true . It’s disingenuous to say that the W2Go is ‘not inserted into the vagina or even placed against the skin – it is a innovative, contact-free pleasure device’, because if ‘wedging something against your clit’ doesn’t involve contact, then you clearly have some kind of supernatural forcefield around the surface of your fanny. Okay, so the unit itself isn’t being shoved where the sun don’t shine, but the silicon lipstick basically sucks your clit into itself and that, in my book, is contact.

It’s the ‘sucking it in’ bit that I had a problem with, and it’s one that I kind of expected. I have a VCH piercing, which means that there’s a short steel bar through my most tender spots,  and these suction devices generally don’t allow for rigid metal bars. As I expected, the added scrap metal meant that the suction couldn’t take hold properly – it would work briefly then lose contact.

Which brings me to my next issue – the noise. When there is full suction, the W2Go is whisper quiet – seriously, you could probably get away with it under the covers in a fully occupied dorm room. But if the suction hold breaks, OH MY GOD THE UNHOLY RACKET IS UNBELIEVABLE. 

Imagine having a John Deere tractor sitting in the corner of the bedroom. Shut up, it could happen. Anyway, this tractor (which I have conveniently anthropomorphised for the purposes of this ridiculous hypothesis) is quietly minding its own business, when someone jabs it with a sharp stick and it revs up to full throttle because it is indignant and shocked that you would poke it like that with no warning.

Emotionally over-sensitive tractor in a small room / suction vibrator in a bedroom? YOU WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE. I’m pretty sure you could switch one of these things on next to a blindfold farmer and tell him to hop on and start ploughing, and he wouldn’t even question it. Although he might wonder what rabbit hole he’d fallen down when he took the blindfold off and realised he was sitting on top of a small, silicone sex toy, but then everyone needs a hobby and I bet plenty of farmers sit on sex toys in their spare time. Erm.

Okay, so we’ll assume that you’re not scared of noise and you don’t have any added extras in the downstairs decoration department. In that case, OH MY GOD YOU ARE IN FOR THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE, YOU LUCKY LUCKY BASTARD. There is nothing negative I can say about the W2Go because as far as I can see there are no downsides to it (okay yes the noise but loads of toys make a racket and honestly I just wanted to get that bit over with because there’s no point pretending it’s quiet when it isn’t). 

This thing is amazing. In fact, it is so efficient that I actually found it a bit bloody weird, because it does that uncontrollable ‘forcing’ thing that is usually the province of Doxys and Sybians – kind of ‘ahah you thought you were just going to sit there and think about things for a bit but NO! YOU ARE GOING TO BE SQUEALING LIKE A SEX-PIGLET WITHIN THE NEXT NINETY SECONDS!

And the fact that it does it whilst appearing to not move at all is a bit freakish. But dear god alive, does it work. It works quicker and more efficiently than pretty much anything I have ever tried before. It works so quickly that you could be making a cup of tea and think ‘Ooh I know, I’ll have a quick wank before the teabag has finished stewing’, nip upstairs (not forgetting to shut the soundproof doors behind you) and be sated and dusting yourself down before your brew’s even started to cool.

Because it’s a very non-invasive method of stimulation, I really do think the Womanizer 2Go would work for pretty much anyone with a clit – even with my metalwork issues it was insanely good, so I can’t imagine what it would feel like to have it work at full efficiency. 

Talking of ‘full efficiency’ – a word of warning. Whilst road testing the W2Go I did my usual thing of thinking ‘Ooh I’d better try it on max power so I can give it a proper evaluation’. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MY ACTUAL LEGS WENT INTO SPASM. I shit you not, it was so powerful that every last muscle tensed suddenly and I was sort of twitching and gritting my teeth and I couldn’t even move to break the seal because apparently I no longer had any control over my body.

Which was rather good fun, actually. So, yeah. Buy one and stick it on your bedside table. No one will know what it is except for you and you will be more satisfied than you’ve ever been in your life – it’s a win-win situation.

Just remember to let the tractor out for a wee before you go to bed, there’s a dear.

The Womanizer 2Go costs £129 from Sh! – click here to view (opens in new window)

Noise level – Spiritualised (background ambience is all you’ll need). Unless you lose suction, in which case there is no way you’re going to get away with this and you might as well play Spinal Tap’s Big Bottom and just go all out to traumatise anyone in the vicinity

VIOLET X

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I am sent items free of charge for review purposes but I am not paid for reviews and my opinions / those of my reviewers will always be honest (in fact if I really hate something it’s more likely that I just won’t review it at all and will go back to the manufacturer and ask them WTF they were thinking). I sometimes get a (very) small commission from purchases made from links on SDRR, which goes towards site costs. I adhere to all advertising rules and always use ‘no follow’ links where appropriate.

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