Also known as, ‘I’m pretty sure that this sort of crap never happens to other people…’
Every now and again I stumble across an article on my laptop that was salvaged from my old website. This one still makes me cackle with horrified glee, so I thought I’d republish it here for shits’n’giggles.
Backstory – back in the day when I had more spare time, I did a bit of taxidermy. The deceased animals awaited their final stuffing in an under-the-counter freezer in my kitchen, that I didn’t actually check very often. You can see where this is going, right?
Imagine wavy lines and flapping calendar dates as we travel back in time…
Because it is too ridiculous to even write about properly, I am going to precis my Facebook updates from yesterday afternoon.
Violet Fenn: Tuesday, 4pm:
There’s been a smell in the kitchen for a couple of weeks – I thought there was maybe a dead mouse under the cupboards. It’s the animal freezer – the one with all the taxidermy stuff in it. The gorgeous, one-off critters that people have been sending me and I’ve been hoarding until I’ve got time to start stuffing again. My beautiful coloured pheasants, and the raven that Emma sent me – all rotten and stinking to high heaven. The power light was still on, so it hadn’t occurred to me that it might be that. Gutted.
MS: Nooooooooo. And I bet that smells fucking grim!
Violet Fenn: It smells fucking AWFUL. I’m sitting in my workroom howling pitifully 🙁
Beneath Thy Feet: How long have you had the freezer? Write a strongly worded letter to the manufacturer telling them how all your dead bodies rotted due to the fault. Sit back… and wait for the police to turn up.
Violet Fenn: They’re all wrapped up – at least if I can find some fucking bags I can dump it all without having to look too close 🙁
Violet Fenn: Luckily the bin men come this week…
Violet Fenn: Oh god, will they wonder where all the dead things have come from and track me down??? :O
Lydia Niziblian: I will visit you in prison Fenn x
BTF: Do you have any neighbours you don’t like? Chuck them over the fence.
Jayne U: You fucking freak.
Violet Fenn: All my lovely critters are gone 🙁 Bagged up and sent to the dump 🙁 You know I said they were all in plastic bags? The bags weren’t sealed. I just had to wash liquefied squirrel off my FACE. I really, really wish that I was overexaggerating for amusing effect. I *REALLY* wish I was. But I’m not.
Violet Fenn: Did you know that a squirrel turns to mush when it goes rotten inside a plastic bag? Well it does.
Violet Fenn: I rang So Bad Ass for a bit of sympathy. D’you know what she did? She laughed until she wet herself.
Jenny A: I feel really sick.
BTF: Let this be a lesson for you. Do not put off for tomorrow what can be stuffed today.
SH: I’d have gone for photographing….. Dead? Or Not?
The Book Analyst: more like ‘guess the state – solid or liquid?’
Violet Fenn: That squirrel was BOTH.
Violet Fenn: Oh goddddd…I have washed my hands three times now. They still smell of DEATH.
TR: Game! Eat the lot!
And that, my friends, is why whatever happens to you, you can always be grateful for the fact that at least you’re not me…