Things I will undoubtedly regret when I’m older
Spending too much time worrying about the size of my arse. Because actually it’s a perfectly decent arse and most of it was put there by delicious cake, so it would be more productive to stop worrying and get up off said arse in order to go out and buy more cake.
Not having had perverted rampant sex with Nick Cave. Actually, even completely straightforward vanilla sex would do, so long as tongues were involved. If I die without having sampled the Cave-y cock at least once then there is something seriously wrong with the world.
Things I will not regret, however much you like to tell me I will
Piercings and tattoos. I have several of each, and do not regret a single one. Actually, that’s a lie – a couple of my piercings are in interesting places and I definitely have a brief moment of regret when they catch on my knicker elastic, but no pain no gain, amiright? And I regret the original tattoos I had, which were little crappy ones done when I was too young to recognise the difference between talented artists and ones that were making a living out of inking substandard flash art onto idiots who should have known better. But nowadays I have large, brilliant works of original art, put there by people who really know what they’re doing.
Tattoos and piercings are so commonplace as to be almost boringly normal these days, yet people will still insist on telling me that I’m ruining my skin, what if I decide I don’t like them at a later date, I’ll never get a proper job looking like that, blah blah fucking blah. Listen up.
- You are way more likely to ruin your skin by not using sunscreen than by having a quality tattoo. Or by taking drugs, or not drinking enough water or not using moisturiser or any one of dozens of other reasons, some of which will actually damage your health permanently and might even kill you. Tattoos will not ‘ruin’ my skin, they merely decorate what is there – and very prettily they do it, too.
- Given how much time, pain and money goes into tattoos the size of mine, it is presumptuous and rude to assume that I might have not thought it through properly beforehand. One does not spend several hundred pounds and hours of wincing on a whim, motherfuckers! I thought very carefully about what designs I liked and collaborated with the artist in order to get exactly what I wanted. Less thought goes into having babies than I put into my tattoos.
- All of this only applies to the tattoos anyway – piercings can always be removed and will eventually show no sign of ever having been there (and with the placement of at least two of them we’d have to be very good friends before you ever saw them anyways).
- You know what? I don’t want a ‘proper’ job. I’ve been self employed for years and have no plans to change that set up – I’m independent, life fits around my kids, I can pay my bills and I do what I damn well please so long as the work gets done. The only person judging me is my dog when I get caught up in a deadline and forget to take him walkies. The only body art that is visible on me when I am fully dressed is my nose ring, and if you’re going to get offended by that then you, my friend, are the one with issues.
When I am old and haggard, all of my friends will be old and haggard as well. Most of my friends have body modifications of some sort – hell, even my teenage son has ear stretchers. By the time we are drinking gin and sitting in puddles of our own wee in whatever crappy nursing home is available after this government has finished dismantling the country, those without body decoration will be the odd ones out. And they are very welcome to sit in the corner sipping tea and staring disapprovingly at us reprobates, because we will be having too much fun to care.