I’ll have you know I spent a long time trying to make this look less weird. Erm… (Picture: Violet Fenn / Hot Octopuss)

No, this is not a bald hairbrush, it is a vibrator. And also no – before you ask, because I know you’re thinking it – you do not push the handle end where the sun don’t shine (nor the bald hairbrush end either, because that would CHAFE).

What this is, is the Queen Bee. And what it does – in the simplest terms possible – is ‘tap’ your sensitive bits in a manner much like that seen in commercial porn. You know – those ladies with a fixed grimace on their face as they merrily slap themselves silly.

You can use the blank side of the head as a standard vibrator, more or less – and it’s neat because it’s very easy to hold and control – but the real innovation is in what manufacturers Hot Octopuss calls the ‘PulsePlate’ section.

This technology means that the plate moves up and down like a piston, rather than vibrating like more usual toys. So yeah – basically it’s slapping you in what one would hope is a sexy and pleasing manner. 

So, does it work? Well, yes and no.

It unarguably does indeed do what it claims – it produces a sort of patting motion that is more powerful than you’d think – but it’s slightly random in how it does it. If you hold it too hard against your body the air pressure seems to build up inside (it probably isn’t air pressure at all, but that’s what it feels and sounds like), bouncing free with a loud WHOOMPH when you release your hold.

So you have to hold it at just the right spot in order to get a pleasing sensation. ‘Lightly against the body’ rather than ‘wedged up like you might drop it’ seems to work best.

My problem was that I almost immediately realised that I don’t enjoy having my bits tapped. It’s certainly not a method I’ve ever used out of choice before and now I know why – it’s not unpleasant, it just does nothing for me. Sort of ‘oh that’s okay but it’s not going to get me anywhere’.

Also, IT IS REALLY BLOODY NOISY. Okay, so I realise that it’s going to be given the mechanics inside, but holy christ it would be nice to be able to use it without worrying about being heard two floors away. The only way you’re going to get away with using this when there’s anyone else in the house is if you play music. Loud music.

Okay, so I’ve got the negatives out of the way, now for the positives.

Having asked around, I’ve discovered that an awful lot of people really do like the ‘tapping’ thing – apparently it’s ‘lighter and less aggressive than rubbing’, according to one informative response. And if tapping is your thing, then ho boyyyyy, is the Queen Bee for you.

For all its small size and lack of weight, it feels very sturdy in the hand and the mechanisms seem solid. It’s easy to charge (and holds power for a long time) and incredibly easy to use – you can just switch on and let rip.

The biggest plus point with the Queen Bee is its accessibility – a bonus I discussed in this recent feature for Metro 

If you struggle with dexterity and/or muscle strength, the Queen Bee could be the ideal lightweight alternative to a wand massager as it’s so easy to grip and hold.

As with so many adult products, this is a quality item that will won’t do much for those who aren’t keen on its methods, but will work BRILLIANTLY for those who like the sort of thing it does.

The Queen Bee costs £119  from Hot Octopuss – click here to view 

GIVEAWAY TIME! 

Fancy trying out the Queen Bee for yourself? I’ve got one to give away at random – and yes, I’ll post worldwide.

All you need to do to enter is sign up to my mailing list – which isn’t exactly an onerous task on account of how I rarely remember to write newsletters and in all honesty you’ll probably hear from me maybe once a year, if that. But you never know, one day I might have EXCITING things to tell you and you wouldn’t want to miss out, would you? 

Sign up here – and remember to confirm when you get an automated email from me! I’ll use an online ‘random picker’ to choose the winner from all names received by midnight (GMT) on Weds 17th Jan, 2018. 

VIOLET

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Winner will be contacted within 48hrs of the draw closing and has seven days to respond in order to claim their prize. Competition is open worldwide, but if your country’s laws don’t allow me to send you a sex toy in the post then there’s nothing I can do about it, so please check before entering!