This is a sponsored post. However I only ever write and/or publish sponsored pieces if they fit into the usual SDRR remit – no jarring adverts for vitamin pills or pyramid schemes here! 

Not enough people do

Honestly, the world would be a much happier place if people just talked about what turned them on. Talking about things normalises them and sex is no different. There is too much shame and stigma attached to sex even in these far more enlightened days and it’s only made worse by people’s reticence to talk about it.

If something is hidden away, then the implication is that it’s hidden for a reason and it seems a bit, well, grubby. But bring it out into the open and suddenly you realise just how unthreatening it really is. Just look at how subjects such as BDSM have become so much more mainstream over the years – way back when you could only see such things in mail order magazines, but these days everybody’s got a whip in the cupboard and the catwalks are overrun with models dressed in luxury versions of full fetish gear.

I get it – there’s something really irritating about personal lifestyle choices being hijacked by the fashion brigade. But that’s better than things being hidden away. If more people are willing to speak out in confidence about things like fetishes, then it gives courage to others who are desperate to dip a toe in the water but are scared of the response they might get. I often write about fetishes and interview those who indulge in them and every single time I have an article published I get at least one enquiry from someone who’s read my piece and thought ‘Ooh, I’d like to try that!’ Often they tell me they simply didn’t know how to say out loud what they liked because once it was out there the genie was out of the bottle and there was no going back. Which is true, of course, to a certain extent – but when you have a super sexy genie why would you want to keep it bottled up?


If you can’t say what you want you won’t get what you want – and you might even learn something new

How do you know what’s out there if you don’t ask anyone? Talking about things with an open mind brings the opportunity to learn from others. If you don’t know about something then you don’t get the chance to decide if it’s for you – by staying quiet about sex you’re automatically cutting off many potential avenues of interest. And if you don’t’try it, you’ll never know if you like it.

Whether you have one sexual partner or three (or more), the chances are very high that they are not psychic (and if they are then they really ought to be the best lovers the world has ever seen because they’ll know exactly what you want and when – please clone them immediately). If you don’t talk to them about what you like or want or need, how will they know what you want? Communication is key in relationships. It doesn’t matter whether those relationships are years long or last only a matter of hours – intimate interaction needs communication in order for it to work satisfactorily for all involved.

Talk to partners about what you like and why you like it. Ask them the same questions in return. What do they expect to get out of their relationship with you and what do you yourself want from it? These may seem like ridiculously obvious questions but you’d be surprised – the vast majority of people never ask them, instead assuming that things will simply work themselves out.

What if talking unearths information that you’d rather not have? Assuming that it’s nothing illegal, then you simply need to work on your poker face. You can’t have a conversation with someone about sexual likes and dislikes, only to look horrified when they tell you they’ve always fancied making out in the centre of a motorway service station whilst covered in honey. It’s fine to say that their fantasy isn’t for you, but not to mock them for it. This stuff works both ways – however much you’d like your partner to wear rubber washing up gloves whilst having sex, if those gloves make them think of their mother and thus render them limper than a chocolate dick in a heatwave, they get to say so.

If you talk, you’ll never be alone

I’ve lost count of the amount of emails I’ve had from people saying they’ve got a sex-related problem and are worried that no one else has the same issue. Every single time I’ve been able to tell them truthfully that they’re not alone.

However weird or different you feel, the chances are that someone else has already been there and done that. Yes, even you at the back thinking about that tinned prune fantasy that keeps popping up when you’re alone in bed at 3am. Someone, somewhere is also thinking about prunes, I promise. But it’s only by talking to people that you’ll find out. And a problem shared really is a problem halved – people are in general far too nervous of talking about sex for fear of being judged by others, when actually other people are just as likely as you to be worrying to themselves about their own issues.

You don’t have to talk about your specific issues if you’d rather not, just be open to chatting about sex in general. Along with birth and death, it really is one of the most natural things in the world. Problems are caused when we take heed of those who are scared of sex for some reason and who want to keep it locked up in a box. It’s their prerogative to hide away from intimacy if they wish, but it’s not their right to make you feel like you have to as well.

You are in charge of your body and your emotions, no one else. But yours are not the only feelings involved when it comes to sex, so be brave and speak out. You’ve got nothing to lose and potentially a huge amount of fun to gain.

This sponsored post was brought to you courtesy of – a lifestyle and dating site for those interested in non-monogamy, poly lifestyle, swingers and fetish. They run a very useful and informative blog full of advice like this, on all kinds of subjects that you might want to know about but are too shy to ask.