I’m going to let you into a secret – well it’s not really a secret, just something that doesn’t often come up in conversation. I – along with Tory MP Crispin Blunt – bloody love poppers. I mean I really, really love them.
They were a major part of my youth – sitting in an overfilled car in country churchyards at 5am with friends waiting for the sun to come up, they were a convenient amusement that didn’t leave anyone unsafe to drive. That feeling of your heart pounding in your ears whilst your face turns purple (it doesn’t turn anything, just feels like it) only to subside just as you began to panic you were actually having a heart attack – I loved that feeling. Yeah maybe I was weird, but then so were an awful lot of people back then *old lady voice*
Like most people I eventually forgot about poppers as I got older and didn’t have time for random mindless shenanigans, but after many years of barely drinking and certainly not doing drugs (not for any moral reasons, I just rapidly realised that Class As turn me into an utter twat), I decided to give them another go. Everyone needs a hobby.
Ohhhhh yes, I still love poppers. Lovely, lovely things they are (read this Vice article if you want someone else’s word for it*). And interestingly, so long as you don’t have a pre-existing heart condition, they’re almost entirely harmless. Which is why I was surprised to learn that they’re being included in the government’s imminent Psychoactive Substances Bill (PDF, opens in new window).
I hate being told what is good for me, so I did this for a while, without the ‘yay’ bit:
Then I got it together and started reading up on the actual story. Seems like the government know it’s an unpopular and pointless ban, but they need to be seen as proactive and ban-y. So they’re going to make all ‘legal highs‘ illegal, but then retrospectively exempt poppers (and possibly also laughing gas, which actually does occasionally kill people, but that’s a different article). I think that’s what they’re doing, anyway – it’s point 45 on page 13 of the PDF I linked to back there if you want to check for yourself.
Bloody government, banning my fun then unbanning it*** but making sure I know that they Disapprove. Basically this government is like your nanna – probably does it all herself in secret (apart from Crispin, who is more open about his habits and therefore an anomaly amongst Tory MPs) but doesn’t want anyone else getting in on the act.
In Blunt’s own words, “There are some times…when something is proposed which becomes personal to you and you realise that the government is about to do something fantastically stupid.”
No change there, then.
*although I’m a bit confused at the assertion that straight people are doing poppers wrong, given that the author’s explanation is exactly how I’ve always done them – what were the rest of you doing, shoving them up your arse?**
**DO NOT SHOVE POPPERS UP YOUR ARSE. JESUS.
***they haven’t unbanned it after all – the vote was defeated. So if anyone has any idea wtf’s going on now, please let me know!